[Dollar Store Interview]
“What are your qualifications?”[Slides over a dollar]
“Cashier job is yours”[Slides $2]
“Welcome to Management”
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If you don’t get my sarcasm, you obviously lack a sense of humor
If I don’t get your sarcasm, you just suck at it
wife: Did you work late?
[flashback to me missing my exit because the car in front of me had Shrek on and I wanted to see the ending]
me:Yep
I was hooked on auctions after only going once …going twice
Interviewer: tell me about your leadership skills
Me: YOU tell ME about my leadership skills
Interviewer: holy shit, you’re hired
Me: I’m sorry, we have to let you go
Interviewer: dammit
Sorry, I can’t be the bigger person. I’m the size of the average 4th grader.
[Staring deep into David Schwimmer’s eyes]
“I’m afraid I only like you as a Friend”
Crazy that in 2017 auto-flush toilets still can’t distinguish between someone who’s peeing and someone crouching down to get a sip of water.
My wife says I’m too trusting. At least he says he’s my wife.
I’m filled with joy when I see the “baby on board” sign attached to the car in front of mine, but sadness washes over me when I realise the car is a hearse. Only when I notice that it’s being driven by a baby do I begin to have mixed feelings
kinda fun if literal: earwigs
Handing out samples at Costco:
“These are mini hand sanitizer/toilet paper sandwiches, they’re really popular right now”
Doctor: “I think this patient is dying. What blood type is he?”
Nurse: “B positive.”
Doctor: “Okay. I don’t think this patient is dying.”
All I wanna do is
*BANG BANG BANG*
And *cash register noise*
And eat some hummus
if they ever legalise drugs, Nestle definitely need to make a KitKet
(about to write the most famous lullaby of all time) im gonna go tell the baby he’s gonna fall out of a tree
Gonna bring a notepad and a fancy pen to my next therapy session cause yessiree two can play that game.
At work, I secretly make decaf coffee in the regular pot to keep all of my coworkers working at my pace.
[date]
Her: so you’re a mathematician?
Me: no actually I’m a *pythagorean doves fly out of my sleeve and hit her in the face* mathemagician
*grandpa walks in with a bearded man in a plaid shirt & skinny jeans*
“uhh grandpa who’s that?”
“my hip replacement”
Some days I want to leave everything and just run away with him. Other days I want to own 3 baby dragons and be fireproof and naked.
What if Bugs Bunny unzipped his face and underneath there was just a stack of cockroaches in a bunny suit?
You’d be all like “We shoulda known! It was right there in the name!”
When assembling your dog, please read the instructions carefully.
Doctor’s office: You’re overdue for a physical.
Me: Ok.
Dr: We recommend you getting one as soon as possible.
Me: Do I have to?
Dr: You really should get one ASAP.
Me: Ok. Fine. Schedule me for one.
Dr: The earliest appointment we have is 6 months from now.
*holding flashlight to face*
And then I pressed……update all.
*children screaming*
My wife: did you get high and watch samurai movies again
Me, crying: yes
My wife: did he die because he was burdened by the very code he lives for again
Me, my voice breaking into a sob: yes
coworker: hey circling back on that thing we talked about in december
me: stop living in the past
Ironically I’m watching an exercise infomercial because I’m too lazy to get the remote.
If dogs named famous people, we would have:
-Bark Wahlberg
-Bark Zuckerberg
-Bark Hammill
-Bark Obama
-Charles Barkley would still be Charles Barkley
I bet before the band got popular, Barenaked Ladies concerts had a lot of pissed off attendees.
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”