Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I do believe I’m an Empath. I can always sense when someone I’m attacking is in a bad mood.

I’m always confused at fancy restaurants. Which spoon do you throw at the screaming toddler?

San Andreas is just like Godzilla only Godzilla is invisible

Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.

[gym]
Excuse me, can I borrow your towel? This cinnamon roll is really sticky.

I’d expect Captain America to be fatter.

Girlfriend: Why can’t you ever take anything seriously?

Me: *Miss Piggy voice* Moi?!

It’s taking this nurse 20 minutes to get my chart ready for the doctor, every few minutes she asks which hand is numb again.

Kate Middleton is 36 and just had her third royal baby.

I’m 36 and just had an almond I found in my sports bra.

Guess we’re both living the dream.

Houston, we have a problem

Houston: new phone who dis

Yesterday my son told me I was the funniest person he knows which was so sweet. Then he asked for twenty dollars.

I used to be married, but I’m better now

Wife: [looking at bank statement] what’s this huge charge from Clones R Us?

Me: [sends group text to 7 other me’s] she’s on to us

sometimes I wonder if it’s possible to be TOO happy, then I remember that it’s not possible to be TOO stoned, so the answer is: banana

Scientists are attempting to clone Ice Age Cave Lions because running into a raccoon when I take out the trash isn’t scary enough.

I read a news article about a guy who bought a golden egg for $13k that turned out to be a Faberge egg worth $33 mil. Those kinds of lucky stories would never happen to me. There will never be a news story that says “Man finds lost Rembrandt painting inside bag of Doritos”.

87.5% of marriage is just marriag.

To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.

I don’t stroke my beard to seem wise. I’m just trying to get the crumbs out before you notice.

They say “pick your battles”, so today Oreos win.

70 percent of parenting is sounding like a Scooby-Doo villain when you tell your spouse, “And I would have been able to get to those dishes if it weren’t for those meddling kids!”

I get into bed.

Husband is already asleep.

I must build a pillow fort between us to keep his hot breath off of my face.

Marriage is fun.

ME: It’s been suggested that you are the average of the 5 people that you spend the most time around. Over time, you actually become similar to them.

ZOOKEEPER: Get out of the penguin exhibit or I am calling the cops.

Someone said I should think before I speak and I said “eww what a horrible way to live”

I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.

Jesus: one of you will betray me tonight
*checks phone*
Jesus: WHO IN DAD’S NAME UNFOLLOWED ME?!”
*judas slyly slips phone back in robe*

We had a friend install a door for us and now every time we see him he asks us “How’s that door holding up?” and this is why you hire strangers to do house repairs.

Christmas Warning:

Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.

DATE: My last boyfriend was such trash.

ME: *3 raccoons in a trench coat but trying to play it cool* I would not have liked that.

If ur a guy riding on a motorcycle with another guy, it’s best to sit facing each other. 1 man mounted behind another that just looks bad