Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The local children surround me, trying to build a pyre. I’M NOT A WITCH, I shriek, my witch-like shrieking doing me no favours whatsoever

My one-woman show, “I Will Unstick These Freaking Grocery Carts If It Kills Me” is getting rave reviews from fellow shoppers.

put a pic of a girl with perfect abs on my fridge so I’m motivated to suck in my gut every time I pull out the ice cream

Date: I’m really into indie movies.
Me: I loved Raiders of the Lost Ark!

I’m so awkward I visited a new doctor today and when they came in I literally said “Those are some nice shoes”. I have to find another doctor already.

Jane Fonda as bottles of hand wash.

A thread.

I wish I had the free time of someone who leaves a positive Amazon review for a rake

While I was relaxing having my wine my toddler threw a piece of cheese straight at my face and said, “gotcha.”

It’s a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar

It’s a 35 minute walk from the bar to my house

The difference is staggering

Daughter singing: In your hand… In your hand.
Me: Zombie? It’s in your HEAD.
D: No! The car keys you’ve been looking for the last 10 mins.

I never know how to eat a banana in front of colleagues. To prevent making anyone uncomfortable, I use a knife and fork.

Helping ya friend pick a picture to post 🤝 commenting like it’s ya first time ever seeing the picture

Drove a wedge of suspicion today between the fast food employee at the first window and the one at the second.

pir·ou·ette – /ˌpirəˈwet/ (noun)

1) An act of spinning on one foot

2) A tiny gay pirate

CNN: The alien invasion has begun

British person: I’ll put the kettle on

*a jerk tries to punch me but I catch it perfectly in my mouth and swallow him whole like a snake*

[saying goodnight in French]

me: bon nuit

autocorrect: bone unit

WIFE: can you fold the clothes in the dryer?

ME: *climbing in* I can try

Excuse me waiter, but there’s an F-35 in my soup

Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.

I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.

No love I have for someone could ever be strong enough to make me think it was appropriate to stand side-by-side with them on an escalator

Her: Let’s just drop it.

Me: Fine.

Her:

Me:

Her: I just find it funny how…

Me: *opens car door and shoulder rolls out into traffic*

Welcome to parenting — the only hobbies you have left are the ones you can do in the bathroom.

The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.

Hubs says when I drink I’m “too loud” and use too many “big words.”

WELL I’M SORRY IF MY VOCIFEROUS GRANDILOQUENCE BOTHERS YOU!!

We need to overthrow that Tyrannosaurus Rex and democratically elect a Presidentosaurus Rex

16 yo me: *about to take math final* You got this.

26 yo me: *about to run a marathon* You got this.

36 yo me: *about to start a movie after 8pm* You got this.

[Nightclub]

Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* I NEED HOT WATER FOR MY CUP O’ NOODLES

Time traveling but it’s just me aging 5 years per every month of my kids life.