[dollar store orientation]
trainer: and how much does this cost?
me: um, a dollar?
trainer: wow are you sure this is your first day
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The longer you’re married, the more foreplay it takes to get her excited. I’m up to a week and a half now 🤨
My husband has decided to take on a kitchen renovation project by himself because “it can’t be that hard.” He’s currently watching a YouTube video.
Pray for me.
°at Nike advertising meeting°
I need a slogan for these shoes by the end of the day. I don’t care how it gets done just do it..hold up a sec
No one ever hated their job on a Friday!
You think you’re cool and then you see a video of yourself running.
How old people make use of canes:
10% walking.
90% shaking & waving at whippersnappers.
My apologies to your congregation. I totally misunderstood when you asked for missionary volunteers
Going to pronounce fecal like decal
Hey Febreze, I don’t go around with garbage in my car, but if nobody could tell I just smoked a joint in there, I might buy some.
I make sure my husband thinks about me during the workday by packing him a sandwich that also falls apart for no reason.
My kid found a sick eagle and asked me to help it
Son: have you done this before or you just going to….WING IT?!?
Me: no…dummy. I can’t lawfully touch him it’s….ill-eagle
*swivels around in evil chair*
*evil laugh*
*pets evil cat*
*evil cat laughs*
*jumps out of evil chair*
“Holy shit, that cat just laughed!”
Okay, wait a second. I pee, I do my belt, THEN I wash my hands. I don’t know about you but I’ve never, ever washed my belt.
If an astronaut goes really fast they’re a fastronaut
Vacation is just your wife not liking any of your restaurant suggestions closer to the ocean.
i set my alarms extra early to make sure i have enough time to lay in bed and be angry about having to wake up
[1st day as a mechanic]
CUSTOMER: can you check my tire alignment?
ME: umm, sure [nervously inspecting tires] I think they are Chaotic Evil
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a restaurant who ran out of garlic bread
‘They’ll be searching for days!’ I giggle as I leave ‘sorry bout the damage notes’ on random cars at the Costco
It’s almost summer and I’m only three stomach flus and a couple tapeworms away from my beach body!!!
If you think a 30 sec ad is bad try waiting until news at 11 to “find out what’s been poisoning your family”
I quit my job this week to pursue my dreams.
I can never remember my dreams so this is going to be interesting.
to the people playing drinking games rn.. are u dead
I have started a band called Free Beer.
When people see our sign ‘Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM’ I’m sure everyone is going to be there.
A face that lunched a thousand chips.
Knuckle tats:
(M)(Y)(P)(A)(R)(E)(N)(T)(S)
(W)(E)(R)(E)(R)(E)(L)(A)(T)(E)(D)
me: instead of a baby I think I’ll get a dog
midwife: no, you won’t
I only hug people to practice in case I need a human shield.
[Thanksgiving at the In-laws]
Me (patting wife’s belly): “Remember you’re eating for two now”
Mother-in-law (smiling): “You mean…”
Me: “That’s right. She’s got a tapeworm”
Cooking fresh fruit with sugar is my jam.