[dollar store orientation]
trainer: and how much does this cost?
me: um, a dollar?
trainer: wow are you sure this is your first day
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When I finished a one on one session with a first grader he pulled back his chair and said I need a strong cup of coffee.
Scientists: we discovered a worm that eats plastic
Worm: wait we’re eating what
Wanna feel old? Of course you don’t. Have a great day.
Cute stranger: *smiles at me*
Me: *already imagining who will get custody of the dog*
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
Protip: If friends ask you to watch their kids for them, answer with “sure, it’ll make a change from having to use binoculars” so they never ask again*.
*Even better tip: Don’t actually do that, though
If Spotify has taught me anything, it’s that I don’t know the correct lyrics to any of my favourite songs.
If by yoga you mean reaching the outlet to plug in my charger without getting out of bed, then yes, I do yoga
gotta say i disagree with this strategy by the cowboys of never gaining any positive yards but i’m no pro football coach so maybe the cowboys know something i don’t
Me: I’m worried that the romance has gone out of our marriage
Hub: Bet I can change your mind during the next commercial break
The word “Caesar” has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.
[sinking ship]
CAPTAIN: dammit
RAT: i’m leaving
CAPTAIN: i’m staying
CAPTAIN’S GOLDFISH: [in fishbowl] i’m excited to see how this plays out
Smoking will kill you. Bacon will kill you. Ironically, smoking bacon will cure it.
When I was in high school we had to do an assignment where we kept a food diary and I worked at Baskin Robbins so one night for dinner all I wrote down was 14 waffle cones and 1/2 cup hot fudge and my teacher sent me to the counselor.
The puffer fish spends days creating a beautiful boudoir in which to lure a mate and I just want a man who can load the dishwasher properly.
You’ll get this gun when you pry it out of my cold dead ow hey give that back
I only sleep with people who make me laugh.
Luckily, I find myself hilarious.
“felt cute might delete later lolz”
doctor: after numerous tests we figured out you were allergic to sagas
me: how?
doctor: it’s a long story
me: [already vomiting]
The temperature went from 90 to 55 like it saw a state trooper
ME [wakes up next to attractive woman] omg wow, I can’t even remember, how…how far did we go?
HER: [looks out bus window] 2 stops
Fries, not lies.
SECURITY GUARD: Sir, you can’t be here.
ME: But I AM here.
SECURITY: I understand that, but you can’t be in this area.
ME: I think I have definitely shown that is not true.
I used to tell a joke about Lot’s wife. Looking back, it wasn’t a great idea.
fair
“Oh yeah, that thing you REALLY liked last time? Well guess what YOU WILL NEVER SEE IT AGAIN”
-Costco.
My general rule about animals is if I can catch it, I can pet it. If it can catch me…well, I’ll get a few pets in first.
Leading causes of cancer:
1. Smoking
2. Aging
3. Radiation
4. Diet
5. WebMD