dollar store pregnancy test instructions say to pee on the stick then wait 9 months
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A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.
[spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is McConaughey
McConaughey.
M-C-C-O-N-A-U-G-H-E-Y, McConaughey.
Did I get it?Judge: We have no idea
Boss: Working at home is the same as working on location. Our technology will alert us if your computer screen goes into sleep mode, so don’t get distracted from your job.
[ working from home ]
Me:
I stuffed my mom last night. I know you’re thinking I have an Oedipus complex and that’s gross but jokes on you I’m a taxidermist
Boss:”I’ll need those projections done Aesop!”
Me:”You mean ASAP?”
Boss:”No, I mean a parable that uses animals to convey a moral lesson.”
My toddler stole bacon off my plate.
We all had a good laugh.
Then I made her move out.
humans: lets invent computers so they can do work for us and we can be free to see our families or write poems or whatever
also humans: actually if you dont have a job society will murder you it turns out
I’m like if Lady Godiva rode in naked on a ” My Little Pony” …
[i get run over by a bus]
MEDIA: flattened idiot has troubled past, has written over 600 pages of sexualized shrek fan fiction
My husband doesn’t worry about me cheating because he knows I hate everyone.
look scared
[guy glaring at me because he wants my parking spot]
*adds 72,000 hours to the meter*
Man: I love curvy women
Curvy Woman: has tummy rolls, thighs touch, cellulite
Man: no, not like that
I keep banana skins within reach at work because you never know when you’re going to need to make a murder look like an accident.
what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?
thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.
If you hold a warm baked potato it feels like you’re holding someone’s hand without having to touch anyone.
Me: “I don’t make everything sexual”
*plugs phone into charger*
“You like that huh?”
SON: What’s a sex tape?
ME: Er well when er a man & a woman have er intercourse they
S: No
M: No?
S: Dad. I know what sex is. What’s a tape?
i have one of these at work and when i get bored i plug it into the outlets
Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.
I think we can all agree if the ancient Egyptians had twitter there would be no pyramids.
Me: I can tell my left from my right accurately 100% of the time when I do the L thingy with my hand
Interviewer:….ok. And weaknesses?
At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I’ll never know.
Me: Yells at my kids to stop wasting water.
Also me: Washes same load of laundry three times.
Me: My Amazon order arrived!
Him: What did you get?
Me: *scratches behind dragon’s ears* Nothing important.
Him: New happy pills?
Me: Maybe.
The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..
my girlfriend was cold so i bought her a fur coat. #Snowmageddon2015
How does a Ninja attack a pig?
Pork Chop.
wife: I was saving that
me [eating bacon] It expires today
*wife checks package*
*sees I crossed out the date and wrote “today”*
It’s wet right there and I don’t know why
– a one sentence horror story