dollar store pregnancy test instructions say to pee on the stick then wait 9 months
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{Me to my dogs}
No more table scraps.
(5 seconds later)
Here you go.
When she finally says yes and you realize that wasn’t a condom you were carrying around for the past 9 years
baker: making perfect baked goods is all about precise measurements
me: cool can i get a dozen muffins pls?
baker: sure thing *hands me 13 muffins*
According to my neighbor’s rooster, it’s 5am now.
Also according to my neighbor’s rooster, we’re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.
Don’t take me camping because if I see a bear, I will hug that bear.
I love how ‘voice to text’ is always so a carrot
hey boy, are you my period? because you’re annoying as hell but I still wanna see you regularly
Friend: Did you know that a butterfly only lives for 2 days?
Me: I think that’s a myth.
Friend: No it’s definitely a butterfly.
My laptop is like my sex life, the data is corrupted.
I didn’t realize how much of parenting is yelling “It’s not a touchscreen!”
Kind of rude when I get home from vacation and my plants look better than when I left
Today is apparently Ash Wednesday which I can only assume has something to do with our hero from the hit TV show Pokémon.
Before saying anything like “you have really soft hands for a man”, just be like so goddamned sure they’re a man.
Now that the coronation is over, perhaps King Charles will respond to my proposal for a noble quest.
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt hav any chicken so i fried a egg and now im waitig for it to hatch
I’m flying to my 30th high school reunion and I think I forgot to turn my stove off and also to be successful
[stranded on Mars]
me: [journal day 1] I have enough rations for 300 maybe 400 days
me: [journal day 2] I am out of rations
CAUTION:
Even if your wife uses dual a sim phone, save both the number under one name “WIFE”.Never save it as “Wife 1” & “Wife 2”.
Blind Date
Me: I’ve read “The Catcher in the Rye” 5 times.
Him: I like watching Swamp People – they catch gators. What are they catching in your book?
[later on]
Him to his friend: Nah she drinks too much.
Every morning after I get out of the house, a bike comes out of nowhere and runs me over.
It’s a vicious cycle.
People who would say “I can’t believe it’s not butter” are the same people who support all those Nigerian princes.
The person in front of me paid for my coffee and I had to do the right thing, so I ordered a donut also.
whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes
parents love texting “call me as soon as you can.” then being like “i just wanted to know if you’d seen westworld”
Officer: Sir, we have reports you’ve trained this bird to injure passersby.
Me: Ridiculous!
O: The pet’s name?
M: Paul the Attack Canary.
My daughter found a dinosaur bone in the grass at her preschool and IT IS NOT A STICK. Do not even think about telling her otherwise!
Who’s soul do I have to sell in order for my eyeliner to come out even on both eyes?
I pulled my Power Washer out not because anything really needed cleaning but because you may as well have some fun while your quarantined. Related, my neighbor is soaked.
I wish I had the confidence of someone publicly donning a cloak
*bursts into starbucks*
Me: DO YOU GUYS HAVE A POWER OUTLET
Barista: yeah over there
Me: oh thank god
*plugs in a mechanical bull*