Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you kinda sorta wanna know.

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I send thank you cards to people that don’t invite me to their weddings


There’s a bird in the yard and she’s shaking her tail feathers in hope of attracting a mate. HE SHOULD LOVE YOU FOR YOUR BRAIN, I yell.


Keep your friends’ cake
and your enemies’ cake.


If you’re a couple who sit on the same side of the booth, I’mma slide into the empty seat and eat your fries. Stop creeping everyone out.


Being a parent means you have to make gigantic sacrifices like quality sleep and the backs to every remote control in your house.


Boss: How were your weekends?

Steve: I coached my son’s soccer team

Alice: I helped friends move and volunteered at an animal shelter

Me: I dreamed my clothes were made of peanut butter and jelly


boss: you’re late again

me: i saw a dog

boss: that’s what you said yesterday

me: he lives in my house