[dollar store]
“how much for your finest dollar?”
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I. FORGOT.
I. FORGOT.
Christmas in 3 weeks and everyone’s gifts still in my thoughts and prayers
[first day in a hair band]
Singer: you’re bald
Me: yes, I lied on my resume
I dont know why people are disappointed when they find out a celebrity crush is married.As if that was their only obstacle to being together
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I’m an alcoholic
Me: Ok, but I can only afford one.
teacher: “there are no stupid questions”
me: “ya ok but why isnt the plural of moose, meese”
*wife grabs my wrist as I go overboard*
Her: You’re… slipping…
Me: Pretend I’m the covers.
*she easily pulls me to safety with one arm*
My refrigerator is so full I have to slide the Country Crock out like I’m playing Jenga
Me: Baby, would you do that sexy thing with your mouth?
Her: *Yodels*
Boss: You were napping
Me: No I wasn’t
Boss: You drew eyes on Post-it notes & stuck them to your face
Me: Liar! *draws on angry eyebrows*
Me: Hi! I’m here to enter the eye rolling category.
International Olympic Committee: *collectively make a face*
Me: Yep. That’s the one.
Don’t talk to me about multiple universes I have enough trouble keeping this one running.
Stop breeding everything with poodles!!!
gender is a sprctrum
ugh i did a load of laundry earlier & now i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
17 told me I was “mid.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to change the WI-FI password about it.
MOCKINGBIRD: Blah blah blah! Harper Lee is an idiot!
HARPER LEE: I just had a great idea for a book.
Me: Don’t text him if he’s ignoring you.
Also me: *sends him 67 messages*
They say that blondes are dumb, but I’ve gotten a brunette to marry me too.
My 19 year old refers to the show The Blacklist as “The Adventures of Crime Dad” and now you will too.
You’re welcome.
[police raid at balloon store]
Cop on radio:”We can hear gunfire is everyone ok, over”
Hedgehog cop inside:”Its not gunfire, over”
Boss:my office, now!
Me:*to myself* dont be about Twitter dont be about Twitter
B:we’ve had a sexual harassment complaint
M:Oh thank God!
Why the hell does that hurt now?
Me, waking up every morning.
ADAM: Let’s take turns naming animals.
EVE: Ok. Lion.
A: Um, sea lion.
E: Horse.
A: Uh, seahorse
E: Cow.
A: Sea cow.
E: Idiot.
A: Sea idiot!
trying to act casual so the printer doesn’t realize this is time sensitive
My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!
“we want grandkids” best i can do is graphic design
Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate
[beside lady with baby]
Her: Smells like someone went poop poop! Does the baby need a change?
Me: *blushing* Yes ma’am.