Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“losing/taking virginity”

– turns sex into an object
– places pressure on the decision
– you don’t actually lose or take anything ?

“sexual debut”

– exciting
– all focus is on u
– suggests a musical number is involved

I’m so glad I didn’t spread that out over the last three weeks in doable chunks but instead chose to cram it like a madwoman into 24 hours.

-My thought process, apparently, when tackling a deadline

me: *fixing something*

him: that’s not broken

me: well, it is now

If I had a nickel for every time a child called my name as I immediately sat down I’d be able to pay a butler to go see what they want.

If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.

Ever wonder what it’s like to work with the public?

I refuse to use the self-checkout isle at a store. What I will do is occasionally post up at the exit and ask to check shoppers receipts. If I’m gonna work at your store for free, I’m picking my own position.

My 5yo and 6yo are playing restaurant. My 6yo’s restaurant has a no baby policy. My 5yo has 5 babies and is very angry about this. She’s causing a whole scene at the restaurant. The babies are crying, it’s crazy. I’m trying my best not to get involved in this.

Shaking random people on the street shouting ARE YOU THE SHY SISTER is the 2024 cinderella

*wears a clown mask hitchhiking*

Why’s nobody stopping, everyone loves clowns, right?

next time you are washing your hands next to somebody…

cup your hands together until the water overflows.

then look at them and say:

This water is getting out of hand

[at the general store]

me: one general please

ME: isn’t it weird how you get corn in your poop?

DOCTOR: yes but I’ve never seen an entire cob before

I’ll take the seat next to the guy who swallowed the wifi.

Me <in a meeting, whispers>: I don’t really like Gary.
Gary: I’m Gary.
Me: I know.

I’m not “passive aggressive”… would a passive aggressive person buy you these lovely wind chimes?

*Struts like a peacock*

I’ll have you know I made it through the meeting without falling asleep

Cw – it was 10 minutes long!

Me – my record, Write it down mister party pooper

Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.

Me: I was just killing time

Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim

Being iced in for 2 days gave me the opportunity to get so much housework done!

I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.

The first rule of kite club is you do not talk about Benjamin Franklin.

My dad could kick ur dads ass!

Um have u seen my dad

Hes a big guy huh?

No really have u seen him? He left when I was 9 & never came back

I already tried new things thanks.

my five year old was struggling getting his seat belt buckled. He tried multiple times unsuccessfully to get the tab into the buckle and yelled “it’s like they broke up!”

why is college the only institution that keeps asking you for donations after you’ve already paid? if my dentist called every 6 months saying “donate $200 to be in the Elite Teeth Club” I would call the police

Pot smokers like to say it’s safe because it’s natural. Other safe natural things include sunburn, poison ivy, and being eaten by a bear.

The Bible starts off slow but it really gets going when Satan shows up

“Make him press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“He still there?”
“Give him 18 minutes of pan flute.”

– Call Center Training

Him: I’d like to hear you scream.

Me: *screams like a banshee*

ME: You go thru space & time, just traveling alone?
DOCTOR WHO: Usually w/a companion
ME: Folks from space-time?
DW: God no 21st century UK