[dollar store]
Me: I would like 700 dollars, please
You Might Also Like
Not to brag but I’ve never met a chicken wing I didn’t like.
Let’s all just take a moment to appreciate the dedicated men and women of this great nation who sacrifice their evenings to deliver pizzas.
this is funnier than any friends episode
Call me old fashioned but I believe marriage should be between one person who wants to watch tv and another person who wants to watch something different on tv
Telling someone “You are not alone” can be either extremely comforting or absolutely creepy depending on the context.
Attack of the 50 foot woman sounds horrifying. So many feet, so many toes.
JUVENAL: Who watches the Watchmen?
ME: I did. It was good.
JUVENAL: No, you’re missing the point.
ME: Well I know there was a lot of subtext, but I think I understood it.
2yo: daddy play with me!
Me: okay!!
2yo: *points* sit right here.
Me: okay.
2yo: NO DADDY DON’T SIT THERE!
Me: okay.
2yo: DON’T SAY OKAY!
Me: okayyyyyyy.
Me: Finally! A fridge with an automatic ice dispenser! This truly is the good life!
Also me: *reaches in to grab cubes with my hand EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.*
Your cougar jokes make me puma pants.
gonna start leaving comments on random tweets like “the power of christ compels you”
It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?
Love is not pushing them down the stairs when you have the opportunity.
A colleague has just been fired from work and someone else put their hand up and asked how it would affect the Secret Santa
[interrogation]
“How do u kno the deceased?”
I was his drug dealer.
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
I was his rug feeler. Tested his rugs.
Human: [doing homework]
Dog: why aren’t you eating that
How do you tell someone that they’re not smart enough to manipulate you, without hurting their feelings?
getting a “can we reschedule” text right before leaving the house
Superman: I hate your Bat Cave! I can’t get cell service
Batman: Your carrier sucks
Superman: Oh yeah, who do you use?
Batman: Bat Mobile
[reverse psychology résumé]
Education: Arcane
Experience: You can’t afford me
Special Skills: (redacted)
I imagine hooking up with you would be like asparagus. I’d forget you quickly but be reminded every time I pee.
Dad Dinosaur: [sleeping]
Kid Dinosaur: Daddy, Look at all the pretty stars!
Dad Dinosaur: *grunts* Very nice, son.
Kid Dinosaur: I think I see a shooting star!
Dad Dinosaur: Mmm hmm
Kid Dinosaur: It looks like it’s coming right towards us!
Dad Dinosaur: Say what now?
so much to do
Happy Passive Aggressive day! Don’t worry, I didn’t want you to get me anything anyway. No, it’s fine. Don’t worry about it.
*Getting kidnapped* Okay, but can you please make me some coffee first?
Me: *stuffing a ham into my pillow*
Wife: what are you doing
Me: it’s in case someone tries to stuff a ham into my pillow, they’ll be like “ah damn”
#WeirdThingsToBeAfraidOf Whatever KitKat comes up with next
Haha my cousin’s safeword is “chalice.” (We don’t have sex; I saw it cuz I hacked his email to get his salmon casserole recipe)
I want to be a lighthouse keeper who doesn’t go mad but instead maintains a healthy balance between making sure the light stays lit and my friends and family understand they come first unless I have to change the lightbulb.
before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life