[dollar store]
Me: I would like 700 dollars, please![]()
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the term “domestic housewife” implies the existence of a feral housewife and that is what i aspire to be
I am a wild, sexually-charged woman in my prime. I know exactly what my body needs & just how to get it.
*goes to bed at 5pm*
When you wave your hand under automatic soap dispenser for 45 seconds and nothing, then it dispenses the minute you switch to the next one.
I like being a landlord for people I can feed noodles to all the time because they’re lo mein tenants.
I have days when wearing a hat is the only use I have made of my head.
The owls are hooting and the stars are shooting and the coons are looting the cat food
Sarah Palin’s new Christmas book is her attempt at valuing the sanctity Christmas so she can sell books and make money just like baby Jesus.
My kids continue to fight over the last piece of this dessert, or as I call it, Devil’s Feud Cake.
I stopped experimenting in bed after the great honey disaster of 2015.
God: you’re a cuttlefish.
Cuttlefish: yay I love hugs.
God: that’s not what I meant.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: you have 8 arms and 2 tentacles.
Cuttlefish: for hugs?
God: [sigh] no not for hugs.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: also you’re venomous.
Cuttlefish: [happy gasp] danger hugs!
My wife said we would save money on Halloween candy if we bought it at Aldi so I guess we’re handing out Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
I remember when rollercoasters were fun, not a daily emotional existence.
The most realistic scene in Star Wars was when Darth Vader lost his cool during a staff meeting and used the force to choke a coworker.
My neighbor put up like $3,000 worth of Christmas lights but I showed him by putting out a nativity scene with like 20 baby Jesuses
William: where have you all been
Kate: omg William there’s a winter forest in the coat closet
Her: Let’s go see 50 Shades of Grey
Me: Tonight?
Her: Yes
[After the movie]
Her: OMG that was so hot!
Me: Mom, please just stop talking
How to change a baby:
1. Swap it out with a Labrador pup when no one’s looking
Just in case the FBI turns on my web cam, I’ve got a teeny tiny picture of Jimmy Hoffa taped to the lens.
Bees always go straight for your Coke can because their Mom doesn’t let them have sugary drinks at home.
There’s a Hanna-Barbera Godzilla coloring book filled with awful jokes. But if you rearrange some pages, a tragic story unfolds
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DOCTOR: I think you have a curvature of the upper spine
QUASIMODO: That a diagnosis?
D: We need an X-ray to confirm. Right now it’s a hunch
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.
Birthday sex is just having sex to celebrate your parents having sex.
*me looking in refrigerator*
freezer: hey buddy my ice are up here
Starting to consider a run for political office. Not because I want to do anything, but I’m curious what sort of shit they dig up on me. Would be nice for someone to piece together my 20s.
When no one stars a tweet, I tell myself it was probably appreciated by hundreds of shy people.
Talk about bad timing #JokeoftheDay #Conan
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Shot to the heart
And you’re to blame
You drink shots
With bad aim
My Kid: (seeing Wife with a plate of fries) Mommy, can I have some of your fries?
Wife: No. (Points at me who is also having fries) Go ask Daddy
My Kid: Daddy, can I have some of Mommy’s fries
My Brain: Don’t high five your kid right now. Don’t high five your kid right now…