Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Oregon Trail 1852]

Doctor: Any final words?

Man dying of dysentery: *coughing* I just hope that this gruesome experience isn’t made into a game for children to play.

We found Max..
#MyFebruaryAccomplishment

POLICE! OPEN UP, WE KNOW YOU’RE IN THERE. WELL, WE DON’T KNOW BUT WE’RE KINDA HOPING YOU ARE COS IT WAS A LONG DRIVE & JIM NEEDS TO PEE.

On average people watch 8 Spider-Man movies a year in their sleep

cats can’t give you covid but they would if they could

is this a threat

YouTube: hey we saw u watched a video about a thing

Me: great, would it be possible to fill my entire feed with that thing, forever?

Right now Netflix is trying to figure out how 6 million people watched birdbox this weekend with only 22 active accounts

Dear crush,
If there ever comes a day when you no longer find something to eat, I’m still here…
I mean, there’s food in my fridge 😏

I get pissed if Alexa doesn’t understand my commands with a mouthful of mashed potatoes.

I didn’t know any of my neighbor’s names before getting a dog but now I know their names are Kylo’s mom, Phoebe’s dad, Max’s mom and Bo’s parents

[Bedroom at midnight]

*scary noises*

Husband: is… is someone in here?

*demonic sounds from the closet*

Husband: honey, are you trying on those jeans again? I told you they don’t fit anymore

*sad demonic noises*

Me: “In this day and age, I can summon almost any information I want in the blink of an eye. I’m one click away from all the answers I could ever need. There is no knowledge beyond my grasp.”

Also me: “I have no idea what day it is.”

doctor: *flipping through x-rays* all of them are blurry

bigfoot: weird

I just got an email from twitter saying they miss me

Ya I miss me too

The ample amount of cheese on anything is more

mowed ⅓ of the lawn before my body remembered I haven’t exercised in 40 years

Friend: There are plenty of fish in the sea

Fish in the sea:

[to girl i just brought home] watch your step, i was playing with my legos earlier

Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.

8: If I promise to be super super good all the way until I’m 10, can I get a phone for my 10th birthday?

Me: Ok. Can you put your lunch box away?

8: Nah, I’m kinda busy.

Me: I thought you were going to be super super good?

8: Yeah, I’m starting that when I’m 9.

In the army. One day we f***** off our CO & he made us polish our boots “like a mirror”. We had to march into his office 1 by 1 and hold our boots up for inspection. Except it was always the same pair, we just handed them to the next squaddie in the hall as we left his office.

Me: *Calls wife* Hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places.

Wife: Yeah, is this why your calling me?

Me: Haha no, I’m stuck in the chimney.

You wash your hands more now, sure, but it’s still been a year since you’ve cleaned your microwave.

Every homemade dinner counts as negative calories because of the exercise we get waving pillows at the smoke detectors.

Dear waiter,

You messed up my order because you didn’t write it down. I employed your strategy while calculating the tip.

Love,
David

(Arrives at Topgolf bay for date night)

Wife: have you registered here before?

Matrix: idk, put my email in.

(“Osama bin Golfin” pops up on the screen)

FINANCIAL TIP: Invest in any store where you see my wife buying shoes.

2yo: Mommy, the baby is being ridiculous!

Me: He is? How?

2yo: *exasperated* Because he won’t talk to me!!

Me:

Me: With a name like that, your parents must hate you.

Myparentsdislikeme: Hate is a strong word.