Dollar Tree pregnancy tests.
For when you only want to be 35% sure.
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Of course my days are numbered..
That’s how calendars work.
My plans: 2020:
The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.
Blizzard after 3 years of Overwatch lore development
[restaurant]
ME: Do you have updog?
WAITER: [sighs] No sir
M: Ok, is this gluten free?
W: No you have to pay for it
M: Damn you’re good
I hate it when restraining orders get in the way of meaningful relationships.
Well played future wife. You win this round
Autocorrect always tries to correct JFC to KFC. Because who doesn’t naturally scream about fried chicken, when being somewhat flabbergasted or expressive in posts?
23 year old me
*camps out for two days for tickets to Nirvana
48 year old me
*Wouldn’t walk across the street to see The Beatles
robber: gimme your money
me: don’t hurt me i take care of my declining parents
my dad: [from inside the car] don’t believe his lies
Her hands were garlic breadsticks of action. Her face was a Cesar salad of expression.
I’m seriously considering adoption who wants me.
The only relationship you should expect to last on Twitter is the one between your TL and those who have you blocked.
Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.
[zombie apocalypse]
GUY: It’s not safe here let’s head north.
ME: No, let’s go down to the sewers.
GUY: What’s in the sewers?
ME: [thinking about ninja turtles] Protection.
WebMD: you have all the diseases
Dark WebMD: and here’s how to spread them
I’m watching two crows fight over a toothbrush. Crows don’t even have teeth, it’s just capitalism making them want things they don’t need
Him: I’m a pilot. Got a degree in aviation, thousands of flight hours, a lot-
Me: I’m a pilot too! Hot air balloons.
Him: That’s really not the same at all, you-
Me: *pantomiming pulling a chain*
Him: How do you even steer?
Me: *shrugs* Anyway, we have the same job.
me: *hiding from kidnapper*
kidnapper: *sneezes*
me: BLESS YOU!
A dressed cheeseburger implies the existence of a cheeseburger that’s still deciding what to wear.
I’m so lazy, I’ll only walk my fingers through your hair.
Me: I’m here to collect my pre-demon.
Lady: Sir, at this animal shelter, we call them kittens.
Until I had kids I didn’t realize that “bouncing off the walls” was actually a literal statement.
I hate it when I’m having a relaxing shower & the mall security guard screams “Get out of the water fountain” & “Put your clothes back on”.
customer: I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese
me: sorry, we only take cash
manager: can I talk to you
them: do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you god?
me: finger quotes sure
Guy: I’m an organist
Me: what you got against organs?
This Roomba was a great investment. It vacuums, saves time, and in a pinch can be used as a babysitter.
my uncle ben died but it wasn’t my fault, do i still have to fight crime?
The list of things that give me heartburn is trending towards everything.
One pretty good way to pass the time is Thanksgiving is to wait until teenagers are sending a text message and then ask “OK, so is THAT Fortnite?” and also giving thanks for Fortnite during the prayer and also describing delicious side dishes as “Totally Fortnite”