Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND FIND YOU and cuddle you softly.

My daily affirmation before work goes something like this: “I enjoy receiving a paycheck.”

Wife: We don’t have anything planned today…
Me: Cool!
Wife: …so I was thinking we should…
Me: (dammit)

[guy taking a bite of corn and then immediately taking a bite of hotdog] there has to be a better way

DOCTOR: Don’t be embarrassed. Taking trousers off is normal for a prostate exam.

ME: Err yeah I guess. Should I take mine off too?

“Update Adobe or we’ll kill you”-flash mob

Chefs: you eat with your eyes first

Me, eating with my mouth: oh no

When can I start eating bats again.

I went through and unfollowed everyone who is better looking than me.

It took a lot longer than I thought it would.

If your kid ever asks you something when you’re not listening, never just blindly reply with, “Sure.”

I’ve been cleaning blueberries off the ceiling for 20 minutes.

If someone at the party talks about tossing the salad I instinctively look to see who is trying to hold in their giggles.

Any song can be a lullaby if you sing it gently enough.

I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB. That was a trip down memory lane.

You hear the q-tip screaming deep in your ear canal. This means you’re doing a good job.

If your Dad leaves, just act like you’re installing a new screen door. All the Dads of the neighborhood will gather round. Pick your new Dad

Toddler boy: worry about them eating enough.

Teen boy: worry about them leaving you something to eat.

I’ve reached a tipping point in life where my interest in baked goods is greater than my interest in men and I’m calling this new chapter doughs before bros

*hires skywriter*
YOU CAN’T BLOCK ME

I bought my mother-in-law a pair of ankle weights for her workouts. She’s proven to be a much stronger swimmer than I’d imagined.

[me giving tour of city landmarks]
and on your left you’ll see a corgi in a bandana—he’s not part of the tour but let’s go get a closer look

Perfume is designed to be an invisible accessory.

It’s not designed to instantly kill the canary when you entered the room.

Fortune Cookie:

You will go on a date with a beautiful woman. She could do so much better.

This morning in my local coffee shop.

Customer: “A large mug with four shots of espresso and the rest filled with milk, please.”

Barista: “Are you sure? That’s a latte coffee!”

#EspressoDay #WednesdayThought #RubbishJokes

uncle ben: remember pete, with great power comes great responsibility

peter parker: you’re right i should stop crimes with my webs

uncle ben (scared): ok.

M: that’s
O: not
R: how
O: acronyms
N: work

When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.

My mom just texted me and yelled at me because she put money in my bank account to buy books and I “spent $100 on country concert tickets even though I don’t listen to country and didn’t buy one book” I bought a book from MCGRAW-HILL. NOT Tim McGraw and Faith Hill tickets.

Just organising my finances.

Woke up to find my cat and Nicolas Cage in my living room with a stolen Declaration of Independence, lemon juice, and a blow dryer.

Grapefruit juice tastes like orange juice that just found out it has to work on it’s day off.