Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Texts should come with a decoder ring, because wtf do you mean by “hey…”

toddler: Lets go get a cake
wife: Why?
toddler: It’s somebody’s birthday somewhere
me *grabbing my keys* Can’t argue with that

Him: What’s in the oven?

Me: Freud chicken.

Him: You mean fried.

Sigmund: Let me out!
Chicken: Me too!

I bought a new scale today.
Can’t wait to get home and throw it out the window.

My kid told her teacher that we were late because her Mom had to poop and I see why some animals eat their young.

Him: How many glasses of wine have you had today?

Me: One, but it was in the shape of a giant bottle.

Call me cute and I’ll bite your kneecap.

best feeling ever is when u dream u accidentally murder someone and try to cover it up but of course the dominos start crashing down and your life is ruined, and u wake up like omg. I’m sooo glad I didn’t kill that guy

I struggle against the ropes binding me, catching the scent of gas. “You’ll die too,” I say.

“9 lives,” my cat whispers, lighting a match.

Stop being friends with whoever says you can’t twerk to Led Zeppelin.

You don’t need that negativity in your life.

[airport security]
*BEEP*
Ma’am, step through again
*BEEP*
Nice try pal, I’m not removing my Slayer shirt
Ma’am, please it’s too much metal

Jeez, you do a Satanic voice into a baby monitor one time and your neighbors never invite you over again.

They dug up a skeleton on my street. Crazy to think that somewhere out there someone is walking around without a skeleton

Try a grape in the produce section and it’s ok but try a leg of rotisserie chicken and you get escorted out of the store

Awwwww shit.

Show your neighbor they shouldn’t park their boat outside of their house by filling it with two of every animal.

TRUMP: I’m gonna lose, huh?
RYAN: Yes.
[silence]
TRUMP: Thank God.
RYAN: I know
TRUMP: I’d be SO bad at it
RYAN: We literally all might die

Nothing like a thumb injury to make you realize how many things require two hands.

Oh, you want to lift your pants back up? Lol

I’m not like other girls. I have 1L of butter chicken sauce in my purse

You slid into my DM’s and now you mean to tell me you’re not gonna divorce your wife, uproot your life and leave your family FOR ME!? HOW DARE!

Him: Hey, you really think that doing all those shots are going to make you forget that you got fired?

Me: I got fired?

The closest I’ll ever come to performing in the circus is standing on a swivel chair trying to reach the vodka I told my friend to hide.

I don’t like to say “bless you” when someone sneezes because I don’t know if they’re religious or not. So instead I just say “I hope you never do that again”

Good thing he found a cart, because that looks really heavy.

Whenever I see a job advertisement, I respond to it. It’s called MANNERS

If you’re having second thoughts….
you’re ahead of most people.

I needed this today. He takes a break. Lol

driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself

Turns out there’s quite a bit of noise, when entire generations of people learn that the best and only way to send a message is via tantrum.

When you need a dentist who’s also a snake handler. That.