[dollar tree]
CASHIER: i’m sorry sir but we don’t actually sell trees that grow dollars
ME: get me the manager
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“I think you’ll like her. She’s smart, funny, and a libra”
I’ve never met a libra
*is super disappointed when date isn’t a lion zebra mix*
Don’t you hate it when you’re on your way to join the circus and you accidentally get married and have 3 kids?
I wish the girls who rejected me in high school could see how many Pokémon I’ve caught.
I have to devil these eggs and I don’t want to. Where Satan when you need him?
People on tiktok r like “I bought the viral mascara so you don’t have to” and im like when did I have to……
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
I’m no scientist, but if that ebola virus is communicable, that means WE CAN TALK TO IT.
DM:You’re so hot, wanna Skype?
Me: it is quite hot, and a skype sounds delicious. Is that vodka?
DM:
ME:hello…you there
A face mask and rubber gloves is all you need to wear when you go to mall they said.
I felt a fool.
Everyone else was wearing clothes.
FRIEND: do you know the baby’s sex
ME [covering pregnant wife’s ears]: ew no gross what kind of position is that
I’m so glad we have a house full of toys for me to trip over so my child can run around happily clutching an old dvd
I have 2 speeds- the slow southern girl sashay and the is that the ice cream truck outside?
My neighbor’s dogs are named Calvin and Klein. They’re boxers.
I think it’s fair to question whether or not Barack Obama is an American. I mean, look at him.
He’s awfully thin…
men’s fashion peaked in 1838
well, 75% of you passed math and will not have to come to summer school
[from the back]
“what about the other 65% of us?”
Pilot intercom: We are currently 30,000 feet in the air.
Me to my wife: No way there are 15,000 people on this plane.
Wife to flight attendant: Are there any other seats available?
Reporter: Can you stop poking my chest?
Me: But your badge says ‘press’
Imagine us having sex..
Wrong, more lasagna.
RIDDLER: What has–
BATMAN: A gazebo
ROBIN: Matches
RIDDLER: Let me finish-
BM: A paperweight
R: Dental floss
RIDDLER: I hate you guys
when someone is in a Christmas eve panic, I always find that “well maybe you should have thought of that sooner” is a helpful phrase
*presses shuffle on 900 song playlist
Spotify: IMMA ONLY JUST PLAY THESE 12 EVER
I want to go on the record by saying I love my family but if I have to spend any longer with them you’ll be seeing me on the 6 o’clock news.
I’m not saying I got lost, but a search party did find me on the wrong mountain.
There are many puddles in my city right now and I have very quickly learned I have holes in my shoes.
Texas.
Where the vegan menu item is chicken.
Grandma confused about Tide Pods “kids these days eating those podcasts”….
Daughter: goodnight Mama.
Wife: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Dada.
Me: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Moon.
Me: [high pitched voice] goodnight.
Daughter: the moon doesn’t sound like that.
Moon: yeah I don’t sound like that.