[dollar tree]
CASHIER: i’m sorry sir but we don’t actually sell trees that grow dollars
ME: get me the manager![]()
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*does the Dirty Dancing lift with a slab of ribs*
my 4yo daughter has 2 older brothers and removes remote control batteries after selecting her program & volume so good luck fellas
Imagine being a medium and having to talk to dead people as well as living people. That’s too many people.
I stopped wearing skinny jeans when I turned 30. In hindsight, I should have replaced them with something else. I got arrested a lot that year.
Van Gone
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If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.
My car, spinning uncontrollably thru a crowd of ppl, & my Korean friend screams”HIT THE BLAKES” & I’m like”I CANT BE THAT SELECTIVE”
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember
me 5 seconds later: oh no
I broke up with my high school girlfriend because I’m a nerd and she was a cheerleader, we were just wrong for each other. Also I never asked her out or even spoke to her, poor girl didn’t even know I existed.
*reheats leftovers from yesterday’s dinner date*
*takes bite*
*waiter from last night knocks on window*“how’s everything tasting folks”
Friend: I’m pregnant
Me: You should have just got a dog
[at Starbucks]
Barista: Coffee?
Me: Yes, a medium please
Coffee: I’m strongly sensing the presence of your great grand aunt Lucille
The boys I nanny for just asked me where I work and I didnt have the heart to tell them their parents pay me to hang out with them so now they think I work at Chili’s
Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.
Even before the lock down, yoga teachers were working from Om
Hashtag Mind Chakra Blown
[I find a mysterious note in kitchen]
“LEAF 1 MILLLION UNMARKD DOG TREETS N BAKYARD BY SONDOWN OR WE RELEASH PICHURES OF U PETTIN A CAT”
Her: What’s the baby playing with?
Him: Marbles.
Her: OMG, she might swallow them!
Him: Don’t worry! They’re not my competition marbles.
Cabin 1: *coughs
Cabin 2: What’s the matter with him?
Cabin 3: Cabin Fever.
This toddler in line behind me at Target is a fantastic dancer and it’s really starting to piss me off.
Me: A man’s bouncy house is his bouncy castle
Wife: I don’t care which one you call it, just let the kids play in it even if it is on “your side”
moth *repeatedly bashing itself against my computer monitor*
me: it’s not a touchscreen you have to use the mouse
[seaside wedding]
We are gathered here today to celebrate the-
[bride picked up by giant seagull]
-completion of the ritual. HAIL GULLTHRAX
Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.
Pigeon: the distance a pig travels in one eon
A new day and another chance to turn it all around. [sitcom laughter]
Gym instructor: What’s your main purpose for working out?
Me: Knorr cubes. Yea. Need to be strong enough to break them.
I didn’t see a single avenger die when Obama was president
There’s a fly in the den so my cat is reenacting the Matrix
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