“Dollars to donuts” is my most frequent currency conversion.
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I’ll be mad as hell!
My little dog has gotten into the box of treats & hidden them throughout the house. Every now & then he eats one. He’s strutting around like he pulled off a bank heist & is spending the cash slowly.
ME: i dropped acid almost every day for one year
my son Acid: is that why i can’t do math Dad
Always go for the Lonewolf, unless they are insane, then go for someone else.
So when a cat pounces on a stranger’s lap and demands tickles it’s “cute” but when I do it I’m “causing trouble in Starbucks” again. Jeez!
I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.
She’s such an idiot.
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Tweeting.
Him: Gah. Such a colossal waste of time.
Me: *stare*
Him: *goes back to playing Candy Crush*
Well well well, if it isn’t the bridge I said I’d burn when I came to it…
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
I just watched Bug’s Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn.
my fav colour is also hitler
don’t forget to look out for your single friends today! leave shallow bowls of water out around the garden so they stay hydrated! if you see one struggling try and feed it with a teaspoon of sugar water to help revive them!
Stop hoisting all your food into the trees. Now the bears have to settle for the second most delicious thing at your campsite.
How many games did you play already?😅
#chessmeme
I hope my enemies are walking around in wet socks.
Everyone goes through a phase where they think they can speak Italian
Remembering the time the hubs and I bought a bunch of candy for Halloween but no kids came to our door so we just drove around town begging kids to come get it from our car….Probably coulda used another brainstorming sesh on that one
Girl, are you an umbrella? Because you’re never with me when I need you & I’ve forgotten you at a restaurant 4 or 5 times.
me: before you hire me, you should know i take things
interviewer: like what?
me: time and care
interviewer: oh haha
me: also xanax, company money, and two-hour morning shits
These cats just swagged into the room like they had some serious yolo’ing to do.
“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck
Professor: There’s no such thing as stupid questions
Me: *clears throat
The worst design flaw of the human body is your asshole being able to perceive spicy.
*walks into childhood home*
Him: what’s wrong?
Me: it all looks so different. I distinctly remember the floor being lava.
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me aside* this was literally the first thing we talked about
I bought silk pyjamas to go with our new silk sheets. I jumped into bed and woke up in my neighbour’s flower bed
Stop fingering it and put it in your mouth is not the best choice of words when speaking to your teenager about her dinner..
I know this now
I sent youse two to whack that freakin’ guy and instead youse screwed it up like a couple of
My favorite way of establishing dominance is to spend hours cleaning my entire room and then say “sorry it’s so messy” when people come in
[watching friend input his password on a website]
ME: dude, your password is just 10 asterisks? not very secure