“Dollars to donuts” is my most frequent currency conversion.
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Dear check writer in front of me,
I am trying to remember this is how my grandmother would have paid and I would punch anyone who judged my grandma. You are making this harder.
Me: “Excuse me, hi”
Her: “Um, I have a boyfriend”
Me: “Good for you. I was trying to say your herpes cream fell out of your purse”
me: can i buy you a drink?
her: i’m getting married at 5
me: cool so we have 2 hours
I don鈥檛 want to marry Bill Gates because he鈥檚 rich.
I want to marry Bill Gates so I never have to fix my own computer.
Interviewer: It says on your resume “attention to detail”
Me: Uh huh.
Interviewer: And right below that it says “attention to detail”
I’m starving and all I have is a refrigerator full of health food. I hate who I was four days ago.
“We’re gonna need more chalk.”
– detective who discovers my body
I don鈥檛 usually share cat things on Twitter. But I鈥檒l make an exception for this.
My kid begged me not to be “cringe” around her friends when they come over, and I don’t have the heart to tell her that I don’t even know how to not be “cringe” around MY friends.
*Speed Dating*
Him: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: *tying my hair in a big knot under my chin so I look like I have a beard*
“TAAA-DAAA!”
The most romantic restaurant in the world is not as dimly lit as the operating room on a TV medical drama.
Found out Ludacris married a girl I went to high school with and it really made me rethink some things. Can’t help but feel like if I had played my cards right maybe Ludacris would have married me
My wife was livid when I told her I used all of our savings to buy stock in Bose.
I told her to relax, it鈥檚 a sound investment.
[drinking my 5th coffee of the day] imma put this body on vibrate
Everyone tells me to take care, but no one tells me where they have kept it.
Yes but what if Donald Trump IS actually dead but his toupee is alive and steering him round like a marionette?
It was so cold UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii
Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]
Date: Wow your knee is huge
People be like I forgot to eat today meanwhile I’ve eaten 4 times since I started this tweet.
馃ぃ馃ぃ馃ぃ馃槅 Easy assemble?
Girlfriend: I read an article that it鈥檚 possible for a woman to carry a goat embryo to full-term
Me: Don鈥檛 kid yourself
What do you call an alligator thats wearing a vest?
An investigator.
if i could choose one super power right now it would be the ability to delete my number from other people’s phones.
age 14: guys, watch this i’m gonna jump off this wall [eats absolute shit and gets up like its nothing]
age 25: [googling ‘is the way i’m wearing my guitar strap hurting my back’]
Don鈥檛 tell me who to follow Twitter, I have many years of experience finding and building relationships with dangerous maniacs and I don鈥檛 need your amateur assistance.
Imagine being all knowing and still putting a snake in charge of apples
I leave spider carcasses on the wall to make sure the other spiders understand..
What I said: No
What I meant: No
What my dog heard: Okay, but just look real cute.
I now know why they鈥檙e called the wee hours of the night