“Dollars to donuts” is my most frequent currency conversion.
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a lot of people think Rob is short for Robert, but it’s actually short for ‘Burglary’
I falcon love using swear birds
Toothpaste sure knows how to ruin whatever you’re drinking.
When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.
I can’t wait to find out who’s playing Donald Trump in the next season of American Horror Story
the problem is that the world is filled with an unimaginable amount of pain and suffering but also an unimaginable amount of delight and beauty and we must bear this in our souls at all times but also still find time to like do laundry and go to the grocery store
My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.
I’m going to jail.
Him: Flash me a smile. You’re prettier when you smile.
I seductively part my lips to reveal one perfect orange slice.
autocorrect: Dan!
me: No no, autocorrect, this is my DAD, we know him.
autocorrect: *growling* Dan.
me: *spritzing my phone with water* NO
I quit dating because I’m a germaphobe and also because my husband was getting annoyed
“Why did you leave your last job?”
-I had a typo in a tweet.
“Mistakes happen!”
-I worked for Yahoo Finance.
“Thanks for coming in. Bye”
[Contract Law]
BOSS: for example when you go into a store and buy a banjo for $200 you’re entering into a contract
ME: so there’s strings attached?
So my hinge date last night accidentally texted me this
Wife leaves keys on counter with a helpful note saying “keys” in case I thought they were llamas.
….. so anyway, long story short, she said the name of the nail polish was Spank Me Pink and I told her that’s not even close to the right shade and she said prove it and this is why I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a Sephora.
Me: I just want to swaddle you in a baby blanket and rock you to sleep.
Son: Can you just say bye to me like a normal mom?
Me: *grabs his head and rubs it like a crystal ball* the spirits say no.
I don’t clap when the plane lands but I would boo if it crashed
I wonder who pays the electric bill for the light at the end of the tunnel.
These apps are getting out of control.
There I was, laying on a slab of rock in an ancient temple about to be sacrificed by a cult and they have the audacity to ask me to download their app and rate their sacrifice experience.
I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson
Me: Good night.
Brain: Night.
Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?
{meeting a beautiful woman who is actually into me} This looks like a job for The Fumbler
My wife and I always eat dinner as fast as possible so we can have a popsicle.
We are 47 years old.
I asked my son if he wanted his sandwich on toast for lunch, and he said, “I’ll make it myself because you and the toaster aren’t friends.”
My baby girl turns 2 today and I’m so glad I bought her all these presents so she can play with the empty boxes and wrapping paper
Who called it intermittent fasting and not snackrificing
I’m invited to a wedding this weekend.
I have two days to come up with a disease or cut off a finger.