Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sensei: you have learned much, my child

Nonsensei: flamingos are extremely inconsiderate

ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: What time is it?
ME: Haha. Yeah definitely

You have a really old bottle of hair care product in your shower. You have a pre-existing conditioner.

Order food
Hear driver
Get into position
Doorbell
Pause for three seconds
Open and act surprised!

I’m convinced a lot of people here are communicating from prison.

ME: it was a dark and cold february morning in a town of secrets

ME: (feet on desk) the dame walked in like a panther lost in a Toys-R-Us – angry and full of questions

CUSTOMER: look do you have the book or not

ME: (lights cigar) she had bad news written all over her

My neighbours aren’t used to being at home all day, and they’re arguing a lot. This morning I heard them continually yelling “shut up!” at each other every time I took a break from bagpipe practice.

I’ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.

Sometimes I need a break from myself but it’s like ugh everywhere I go there I am.

i just foumd out that humpty dumpty is suposed to be an egg. nowhere in the humpty dumpty poem does it say that humpty dumpty is a egg

Her: Whats that mouth do boo?

Me: Probably say something stupid.

The human body is a vehicle transporting food from the refrigerator to the toilet.

I hope the next Adam Sandler movie has a wacky grandpa who uses “bae” all the time so you guys will stop thinking its funny

When the company finally leaves and you can let one rip..

that.

to make a tv show you need one banana-shaped man and one-orange shaped man. let me explain

I used to have poor judgement before Twitter, now I have poorer judgment

If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.

Update on Dad Watching Discovery Channel: he just muttered “you son of a bitch” to a Hippo who chased off the lesser-dominate Hippo he liked

My husband says he doesn’t understand why I hate grocery shopping so much, because he doesn’t mind it. And by “grocery shopping,” he means a quick run to the store for ice cream, treats, and snacks. You know, the “essentials.”

I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!

If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz

So 4:38 pm is a good time to realize your shorts have been unzipped all day.

My cousin Tay Tay vaped once at a party and she went on to steal hundreds of dollars in clothing from various stores we don’t know if it’s related but you can never be too careful

When the delivery of your fridge sounds like a threat. 🤣😂

i wonder if americans realize just how much more insulting the phrase “room temperature IQ” is to those who use the metric system

My parents are hosting 10 people on Thanksgiving so naturally my dad is outside making sure there is not one single leaf on the lawn.

It was taking a really long time for the salt shaker to fill up and then I remembered that I’m high.

You can tickle the penguins
And get them to laugh
You can just sing a song
To amuse the giraffes
Just a little soft-shoe
Will delight the woodchucks
But try as you might
You can’t

Does anyone know how the lady reacted when Van Gogh gave her his ear? Was it positive? Cause I’m running out of ideas for gifts.

Really successful people don’t sleep much. I don’t know why I don’t sleep much.