Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, I found out Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
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My dog is LIVID with me because I’ve just let another dog walk by our house and done nothing about it
Saw a sign on the highway that said “Kill or Injure a Road Worker: $7,500” but it doesn’t tell me where to pick up the money…
*sees 54-year old on American Ninja Warrior*
Through a mouthful of ice cream, “I’ve got plenty of time.”
A dating site that connects Tupperware containers with lost lids.
I was laughing at these nerds for wearing their backpack over two shoulders instead of one, and they got so mad they jumped out of the plane
Giving someone wind chimes is a nice way of saying “I didn’t want these wind chimes anymore.”
Me getting up to pee after being comfortable in bed
With the amount of hairs falling out of my head daily, it’s amazing I haven’t been implicated in any local crime scenes.
*to woman next to me in yoga*
how do you get the mat to stop curling back up
1: ‘Twas the night before xmas, & all thru the house
Dad was trashed on Grey Goose, mom spilled merlot on her blouse
Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it’s Wednesday.
I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.
The purpose of hangers is to put a zig zag wrinkle in your pants at the knees.
[job interview]
What are your strengths?
Me: inventing special occasions.
Is that even a *I interrupt him with a happy cereal day song*
[War of 1812]
American: Let’s invade the British North.
Other American: Upper or Lower Canada?
A: idgaf
LATER:
When I get new followers I lean in close and whisper to their avi:
“You’ve chosen wisely, Grasshopper.”
GUY: Your logic is flawed. According to experts-
ME: Excuse me, but I practiced this argument in my head & you’re saying the wrong things
I can’t tell if this store is out of Scotch Invisible Tape or not.
My 10-year-old son only just now realized the character in The Avengers is named “Hawkeye”, not “Hot Guy”
Me: My weight is up. I really hate winter.
Him: Don’t be discouraged. You’ll bounce back in spring once you shave your legs.
*gets down to snails level*
IF YOU JUST TELL ME WHERE YOU’RE TRYING TO GET TO THEN I CAN HELP YOU GET THERE FASTER.
The number of STDs I can spell without autocorrect really bothers me.
Me: what do want for your birthday
Friend: just a gift card or some shit
Me, at the party: *with a gross smelling gift* I think you’ll love it
me: how can I impress my date
friend: buy her dinner
me: ok
[later at the restaurant]
her: what?me: I said how much do you want for your burger?
HER: help I’m drowning!
ME: what’s the magic word?
HER: *gurgling* PLEASE![Later]
ME: *quietly to coroner* it was abracadabra
*extremely loudly* WELCOME TO MY TED TALK ON USING SUBLIMINAL MESSAGING FOR ADVERTISING.
*whispers* cheerios
Bros before Ohioes
First grade math makes no sense. I mean, who really buys 34 oranges and 21 apples in one day?!
[dinner table]
SHARK: i got the promotion
SHARK WIFE: are you lead sharkitect now?
SHARK: *pushes plate away* my career isn’t a joke, Sharon
A girl who can wear a baseball hat is hot. Unless it’s a team I hate. In that case, she’s probably a whore.