Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, I found out Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
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Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.
The kid hasn’t pooped in 3 days.
Do I just squeeze him from the other end like a tube of toothpaste?
“I’m gonna leave the study room for a couple hours.”
“So another patron can use it?”
“No, my stuff’s in there.”
“So you’re not using it.”
“I am using it. For my stuff.”
“The rooms are for people, not stuff.”
“My stuff is an extension of me.”
“I should have gone to law school.”
I have no idea how other people get off the plane looking lovely when I look like a grease covered cheese puff someone found at the bottom of their purse
Oh, you’re a politician? Name all the politics
Why are these idiots only giving robots two arms?
Me to Copilot: Does “d73H” mean anything to you?
Copilot: Hmm… No. Why?
Me: That nerd down there on the beach seems to think it does.
FOMO? No, I’ve got FOBI. Fear of being invited.
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: *Looks around scared* Can…can you not see any of them?
sorry kids, Santa is a super spreader.
Rather than trying to “change” your passwords, accept them for their imperfections and they will grow stronger than you can possibly imagine
Dad, to brother: You’re married now. You’re officially an adult.
Dad, to sister: You’re a mother now. You’re imbued with an imparted wisdom that no other could fathom.
Dad, to me: You eat any good nachos lately?
If anyone out there is named Aesop dear god please open a table store I have just the name for you.
If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin
From now on when a friend says she’s on her way I’m asking her to drop a pin
Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.
‘Welcome home. I barfed over there.’
~cats
I don’t mind the thought of guardian angels watching over me. I just want them to stop giggling when I shower.
It’s ok, stock market. I’m steadily declining every day too.
When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.
Someday, scientists will capture the energy of eye rolls to produce electricity, and the world will be a cleaner, more sarcastic place.
Somebody needs to get my shit together.
I would like a refund on this lottery ticket. All of the numbers were wrong.
How long do you wait before you introduce your girlfriend to your child? For arguments sake let’s say you’ve been dating for 3 years and the child is 6 weeks old.
Koolaid kid: *walks through doorway* Hi dad
Koolaid man: Young man, if you’re living in this house you’ll crash through the wall like the good god Madison Avenue intended!
Before you buy anything online ask yourself “Am I prepared to see a sales ad for that same item on every social media site I visit until the day I die?”
DATE: my eyes are up here
ME: [imediately looking up from their dog] sorry
“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”
Door frame: *exists
My shoulder: MUST. RUN. INTO. IT.
right now there are two wolves inside me but i feel like i could still eat like one half more wolf