Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
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Me ignoring red flags and clinging to toxic relationships because I’m a silly goose
In the wake of inflation, and the conflict in Eastern Europe, the Germans are predicting a shortage of sausage and cheese. They’re formulating a plan for it, which they’re calling the würst/käse scenario
The bath is too wet
– reason 101 my toddler is tantruming
My favorite state to visit?
Unconsciousness
Both her name and her living situation suggests that the dwarves MAY have been referring to Snow White when they sang, ‘high ho.’
Yeah but neither are the yachts soooooo 🤷♀️
Orcas are not our friends
If I tell you I can’t text you because I’m driving it’s only because I’m also eating.
PISSED: teen gets fed up with teacher
“can i use the bathroom?”
“i don’t know, CAN you?”
*takes deep breath*
*pisses all over teachers desk*
[around a campfire]
Children: You’re asking us to be afraid of a story about a man with cats for hands?
Me: Each of the victims’ faces were so scratched up that…
[kittens start pouring out of my sleeves] No, not yet, guys
It might sound childish, but when my wife pisses me off, I dry my hands on the towels that “are just for decoration”
I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.
accidentally emailed my crush a bunch of pics of me in my karate uniform again
I embrace aging gracefully
And bitterly
With good humor
And rage
[interview at Bass Pro Shops]
So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: *dressed in camouflage* Wait, you can see me?!
My wife agreed to a water birth, so I’m setting up a slip’n slide in the front yard right now. I’m gonna wait at the end & catch him.
Me: some mornings I see myself in the mirror and think what am I even getting ready for
Therapist: sorry, can you pull the toothbrush out of your beard
I can’t decide whether or not I should do laundry or just buy another hamper.
A typo so bad, they assume you speak German.
Picking a Xmas gift for your wife is hard, so I’ve decided to deplete our bank account, fake my own death & move to Thailand
She’ll love it
Him: What’s wrong with the dog?
Me: Vet thinks he ate bird poo.
Him: What kind of bird poo?
Me: Idk…a duck, a cardinal, a pterodactyl…does it matter?
Him: You and I both know that if our dog ate pterodactyl poo it ABSOLUTELY DOES matter…
Me:
Him: (whispers) It does matter.
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
If you ever have doubts about whether people are stupid, ask a tattoo artist what they’ve had to refuse to do for a customer
My baby girl turns 2 today and I’m so glad I bought her all these presents so she can play with the empty boxes and wrapping paper
The evolutionary process has created crabs five independent times throughout the course of history. Humans are not the pinnacle of evolution. Evolution wants crabs.
I don’t know much about fashion. I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.
Watson was Holmes schooled
WWE is French for “yes”
The sun really clocks out for the day before I do that’s insane
Don’t get angry…
…get pizza.
I married a smart, funny, handsome accountant, but let’s be honest, mostly I was hoping to never have to do math again.