Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
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Me in my 20’s: Naive af.
Me in my 40’s: Same af.
me: so you’re representing that murderer who pushed those people off the cliff huh.
lawyer: i think you mean alleged.
me: it’s the same thing and don’t call me ed.
Don’t cry because it’s over smile because you had a solid alibi & no one will ever find the body.
this is a sign that you need a union
My daughter was pissed at me this morning and threatened to tell me the Wordle answer, so obviously I’m raising a savage monster.
I hate when I see a friend and wave all excited but they just keep being a jar of peanut butter.
(Outside at dusk)
Wife: Lovely evening.
Me (Covered in mosquitos): Glorious.
You don’t scare me, you’re not my kid noticing her sibling got a bigger slice of cake.
Circling toys in the Christmas catalog as a kid for your parents is the same as sending links to your spouse as an adult.
There aren’t as many hot pies cooling on the windowsills as the cartoons had me believe as a kid.
They should make halloween albums like they do for Christmas. I’d love to hear a Michael Bublé version of Monster Mash.
1995: oh cool, an online book store
2025: “please scan this qr code and take a brief survey in order to flush your toilet”
Them: you haven’t been to the gym in a while
Me: I had a cold
Them: it’s been 7 months
Me: I had a lot of colds
911: ‘911 what’s your emergency?’
Me *mumbles ‘I just got to the nursery and they replaced all the kids with PLANTS!’
911: *click
WIFE: Please stop.
ME: Stop what?
WIFE: Singing in the shower.
ME: What’s the big deal?
WIFE: You’re scaring everyone at Home Depot.
Tired of your teens stealing your hoodies?
Just get them embroidered with
“MY MOM IS THE FLEEKEST OF COOL”
Problem solved.
Rethinking this whole Mastodon thing
Welcome to your fifties, Saturday Night Fever now means lots of rest, cold medicine and chicken noodle soup.
Celebrating Groundhog Day seems silly since we’ve been re-living the same day for the past year
“I hope they bought enough beer so they won’t notice how much I’m drinking”
-My prayer as I pull into my parents driveway
Stop telling the people you don’t agree with to go to hell or we’re gonna be surrounded by people we don’t like.
RIVERS WILL RUN RED WITH THE BLOOD OF MY ENEMIES & ALL WHO PLOTTED AGAINST ME WILL KNOW A FEAR-oh never mind my keys were in my other pocket
taking my contact lenses out and putting each in their own little soup for the night
If you hide the Easter eggs while you’re drunk, nobody knows where they are
Marie Kondo: Ask yourself if it sparks joy?
Me: [looks at daughter’s bedroom and throws the entire room out]
9:30 in the morning, the woman behind me in line says to her toddler “No, I don’t think they have ice cream right now, nobody eats ice cream this early in the morning,” just as I turn around holding a giant cup of vanilla soft serve.
I’m an author when I write and I’m an actor when I lie, but I don’t get paid for either so my bio says accountant.
The 4 Major Types of Twitter DMs:
Sup
Hello dear
Thanks for the follow!
Would you rather die at the hands of a koala or kangaroo?
9: *talks about Minecraft*
Me: *hears white noise* cool
9: *eyes narrow* which part was the coolest
Me: *eyes narrow* the part…
9:
Me: …with the…
9:
Me: *sweating*…ender dragon
9:
Me:
9: cool
Me: cool