Dolls on drugs
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Imagine you were a vampire nowhere near the Middle East and don’t know who Jesus is but the day after he dies you gotta figure out why lower case t’s started hurting.
me: omg you’re dying
my phone: wtf the charger is just across the room
me: [crying] I wish I could help
[pet shop]
Me: Excuse me, do you work here?
Hamster: No, I do not.
My kid is running around the house with an open umbrella draped across his shoulders and got mad because I couldn’t guess he was a *checks notes* vampire blaster mechagodzilla.
If you come to my house and see a coffee cup upside down on the floor, just be my hero and put the spider outside please.
Held a newborn baby, was asked if I wanted one. Laughed & laughed all the way to the bar, where I can go because I don’t have a baby. So no.
I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.
Kid: I love you so much!
Me: Aww, baby, I love you too.
Kid: No mom, the dog. I love the dog so much.
Me: Yeah, I love the dog more than you too.
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
2: Mommy!!
Me: Yes?
2: NOOOOOOOOO!
neighbor: did you steal my trampoline
are robert
me:
accusations harmful
My neighbors started fighting and I can hear everything, so yes my life has a meaning again
Toddler: [Crying] Daddy, my chocolate ran away.
Me: Oh no, where did it go?
Toddler: [Points in his mouth]
(To the guy at urinal next to me) You’re doing the right thing. Going here and not in your pants
Wife: can you change the baby
Me: oh thank god. I’m so glad you said that. Yes, yes I will
Wife: I don’t mean swap it for a new one
Me: …
What base is it when he watches you fall off your barstool with a mouthful of loaded fries?
I bought a smart light switch but was regularly getting outwitted, so swapped it for a dimmer switch.
And then Satan said, “save time ~ respond to her text with a K.”
14: ‘What’s an inheritance?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to worry about, really.’
COME TO ME JOURNALBOT
*Journalbot enters my study*
ok write this down: Polar bears are bear ghosts. “polargeists”
[very sad robot noises]
Son: We’re having chicken and rice for dinner?
Me: No. That’s for the dogs. Heat up some pizza rolls or something.
New exercise regimen: I can only sit down when my toddler does. So far I’ve lost 17,000 pounds.
The lady in the spice commercial was haphazardly pouring her vanilla extract. Do you know how much vanilla extract costs, lady?
You stop eating apples if your doctor is cute.
This Coke-Pepsi debate makes me laugh sometimes. It’s frigging cola. Who cares?
Says the guy who is horrified that people like Skippy peanut butter when there’s Jif.
If I were Australian I’d tweet “OMG Mayan zombies eating my brain.” Then sit back & cuddle a kangaroo & look super sexy while U.S. freaked.
[The oddity of dating]: Hey I like your face, also possibly your body. Let’s see if I can stand your personality until we die Okay?
HER: i like a guy who will hold a door for a lady
ME [trying to impress her]: *cuddles my jim morrison body pillow*