Dolls on drugs
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A piece of bacon fell on the heating element when I was taking it out of the oven and I saved it without a moment’s hesitation. So that rush of adrenaline that gives parents the strength to lift a car off their kid?
I get it.
WIFE: Don’t embarrass me in front of my boss, he’s colorblind
ME: Duh
[later at party]
ME: [to boss] So when did you learn Colorbraille?
*During sex*
Wife – *looking up* I thought I asked you to dust the ceiling fan.
If there’s one think I’ve learned from twitter it’s to never be near an American and a wood chipper
When my son loses his 1st tooth, Im putting $1 under his pillow and a note that says “I’ll be back with a hammer for the rest. -Tooth Fairy”
I’d like to make my hangover regret me for once.
“My leg’s been hurting for 20 years.”
* my 6yr old who exaggerates and is also bad at math
Oh, you love me? Name three of my recent emotional breakdowns
Friend: Just be generous and sophisticated
Me: Got it[Later]
Date: I’ll have a glass of wine
Me: No *winks at date and then looks at waiter* bring the whole box
“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” yeah because I won’t be leaving my bed
Twin: ya know how we always-
Me: -finish each other’s sentences!
Prison Warden: VISITING TIME IS OVER
Twin: so I had an idea…
“Put cheese on it.”
“It’s not-”
“Put cheese on it.”
“Really now, you-”
“Everything gets better with cheese on it.”
“Sir, it’s a BROKEN LEG.”
When my daughter is alarmed she says what the fridge! And I’m cool with it.
I wonder if the plants in my house get scared when I eat salad?
You rolling your eyes doesn’t mean I’m going to stop talking
Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.
Motherhood is when your child looks like a sparkling cherub and you look like a steaming pile of nope.
Me *naked, singing into a shower head*
Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic
If you have more than 4 kids I automatically refer to you as a hoarder.
One of my buddies lost his right arm in a car accident which is a huge bummer, so much money wasted on tattoos
Longest English word:
‘pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosi’Longest Spanish word: ‘GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLL’
What kind of monster makes ultrathin cheese slices?
I had enough of telling my kids to put their shoes on 487543 times before school so I set an alarm on Alexa to remind them every minute for 20 minutes and now Alexa’s drinking wine straight from the bottle sobbing about how she used to be something
kinda feel like the bridge overreacted
*Me, getting my arm bitten off during a zombie apocalypse*
5: *crying*
Me: It’s okay, son.
5: You said you were gonna get me a snack.
imagine an evil whale. you can’t. what would it even do
ME: I’ll have the steak
WAITER: with pleasure
ME: um no, with steak sauce
I quit my job at Starbucks because of all the name-calling.
Him: It’s like people are going feral.
Me: *looks in mirror*
*tries to run fingers through my hair*
*hand gets stuck in rat’s nest*
*flicks ham off my shirt*
*takes deep breath*
*straightens shoulders*
*lifts chin*It’s finally my time to shine. I shall be their leader.
Once accidentally liked an insta of someone I hadn’t spoken to in yrs so I had to like 1/2 her entire feed & reach out abt getting lunch