Dolls on drugs
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You ever go to a baseball game and hear a guy yelling, “hotdogs! hotdogs!” over and over again?
That’s me, looking for hotdogs.
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
My boss looking around carefully before addressing the new student: There is no such thing…
*Looks around again*
As a stupid questionMe from under the desk: DOES A DRUNK CRAB WALK FORWARD?!
Boss: GODDAMIT!
before meds: *hates everything*
after meds: *feels good about hating everything*
New COVID variant tries to sell you an extended auto warranty.
I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
Mom: how’s therapy
Me: ok. my anxiety is better
Mom: great
Me: yeah
Mom:
Me:
Mom: so did u get the article I sent u about the flesh eating b
hate sitting down at my favorite diner and having the waitress i’ve known for 15 years come to pour me coffee but i notice that her usually steady hand is shaking, tipping me off to a hostage situation that i will be forced to resolve with a combination of guile and violence
Me: Well, would you look at that. This Oreo package isn’t resealable. Guess I better eat them all.
Husband: But the seal is right th….
Me: *talking loudly* NOT RESEALABLE!
[at an indian restaurant]
me: they’re well known for their gooey naan.
her: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much what’s goin’ on with you?
“Pyromaniac” puts it strongly. I enjoy starting fires. It’s not my whole deal.
my kidney: can you stop with the alcohol?
my heart: yes and also start eating better?
my brian: do whta yuo liek.
me: love you, brian.
A customer told me they were never coming back….
My parents didn’t raise me to be disrespectful. I had to practice.
7: Can I have a play date with Sally? She’s fun.
Me: Sure, but you know Mommy is the only girlfriend you can ever have, right?
Husband, walking by: Yeah, he’ll end up normal.
Karate classes…
Because breaking boards on your head is all cool and shit if a House ever starts attacking you.
Y’all ever rage clean your kids’ toys so hard that whoever goes to Goodwill next week is going to hit the Jackpot?
In school they don’t teach you how to do taxes or that when a mysterious dusty window appears in your room you should NOT answer the raspy voice that drifts through it at 3AM
Me: In the grand scheme of things nothing really matters. We are dust in the wind. An ethereal speck in the wonder of time.
Boss: I’m still going to need you to come to work on time.
Me: I want to be a part of the Avengers.
Nick Fury: What special powers do you have?
Me: *buys popcorn and doesn’t start eating them until the movie starts*
Nick Fury: Holy shit!
“Wanna hear a joke?”
“Alright then.”
“What’s the difference between a toilet and a fridge?”
“I don’t know,”
“You’re disgusting.”
Them: you smell nice
Me: thanks, it’s the dryer sheet I just found in my sleeve
Me: HEY LADY YOU STOLE MY PARKING SPOT!
Her: so
Me: *noticing she opened a Gatorade on the first try* HAHA JUST KIDDING ITS TOTALLY YOURS.
They say guys who drive tiny sports cars are trying to over-compensate…
*walks up to guy in minivan*
“Sup?”
JK ROWLING: dumbledore and grindelwald had sex
ME: lol
JK ROWLING: so did you and dobby
ME: what
JK ROWLING: you will never feel love like that again
ME: stop
I duck my head when I drive into parking garages if you want to know what kind of superior intellect I have passed to my kids
20% of traffic accidents involve deer.Who allowed deer to drive in the first place?
The mood took a dark turn when I intercepted the wedding bouquet and ran it back for a touchdown.