Dolls on drugs
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What do you mean a good old fashioned ribbing has nothing to do with this rack of baby backs?
Going back to the 90’s.. You’ll want anything??
dentists and waitstaff go to the same class called ‘When to Ask Questions’
When my kids aren’t listening to me I just yell ignore me! And then I feel better that they’re finally listening.
Luke is so old now he just uses the Force to keep the neighborhood kids off his lawn
Me: When you hear hoof beats, think horses not zebr —[trampled by herd of bison]
This bloke knocked on my door and asked me if I’ve considered an alternative energy supplier.
I said, ‘No thanks, I’m quite happy with food.’
As my friend confessed, “My teenage daughter never even talks to me,” I struggled to conceal my jealousy.
The brat next door is outside banging on a metal bucket in his front yard …..guess it’s about that time to go mow my gravel driveway.
me: this could have been an email
cop: step out of the car sir
You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder
Greese be like we go together like shamalamghwejghsdiuoeqwhgiwjrsdkhjkgwidjskbgfiuegkajsfkj
Person in murder documentary: This is a small town. Things like this don’t happen here.
Me: Um, based on the shows I watch, that’s ALL that happens in small towns.
Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…
My aunt’s ex-boyfriend’s mailman’s brother said it on Facebook so I don’t think any further research is necessary.
my gf told me she slept with 5 different women in college and said she “experimented” girl that’s not experimenting you did peer reviewed research
I’m at my most athletic when I’m running up stadium stairs to buy another beer.
Dipping your cats in blue paint and watching them chase each other is 1000x more entertaining than Avatar.
Oh, you pronounce pecan like “puh kahn”? I always pronounced it “pee can”. Differences in dialects can be so fascinating, right? Well, anywho, that’s what your husband choked on.
CDC: money is dirty
Money launderers: this is our time to shine
[Dinner table]
Son: no! I don’t wanna!
Me: you want to be like Popeye don’t ya?
Son: …yeah
Me: then hold still for this anchor tattoo.
Goats that intimidate others are bully goats
Skeleton: I’m you from the future
Me: how long?
Skeleton: 2 months
Me: are you here to warn me?
Skeleton: no you’re already screwed, just drink more milk for me
Could sum up all Indiana Jones movies with ‘finding old stuff violently.’
Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*
My new drivers license arrived and when I opened it, I gasped.
How’d they get a picture of my mother?
Dracula: well? do I have any cavities?
Dentist: *using tiny mirror* hmm I… I can’t tell
If anyone is looking for a quick and affordable hair removal system, you’re welcome to come over and use my grill.
Lol #dogsoftwitter
Nobody ever asked me to prove that I’m not an elephant, but I once lost an argument about being a french poodle