Dolls on drugs
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good morning to everyone except the people who make TV shows that include critical dialogue being messaged between characters which is nearly impossible for the viewers to read
“Nothing there? Better bark at it.” – a dog
Once a lap dog, always a lap dog
Stickiest things in the world:
3) Lollipops
2) Glue
1) Children’s library books
College guy: [massaging head] Oh man I got so trashed last night.
Raccoon: [massaging stomach with his little raccoon paws] Me too man.
I forgot the word boiling and just called it angry water, i have no idea how i graduated college
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
Friend: She really likes you.
Me: Oh yeah?
Friend: She thinks you hung the moon.
Me: *who has been plotting for years to strangle the moon* Not yet.
“You know your addiction is bad when you lie and say you’re at the gym when really you’re out shopping” is the title of my autobiography.
Material Girl is my favorite song about a seamstress.
“By the way, actions don’t speak!” — Words.
An app that detects itself running on other people’s phones, then both devices play Random Encounter music. What happens next is up to you.
HER: i can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: i can change, Becky
HER:
ME: into a semi truck
#FF @funTweeters. Killing me wonly!
I’m going to take all of your tweets that make absolutely zero sense and combine them to make a Red Hot Chili Peppers song
John Bobbitt: How long has it been since you last did one of these, doc?
Plastic Surgeon: Well, it has been a while. But I’m sure I can re-member.
The best murder weapon would be a tupperwear lid because nobody would ever find it
[first day as a baker]
boss: open this door. you better not be making sculptures again
me: ahh [frantically trying to hide bread pitt and angelina doughlie] just a second
Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes because I would be shredded.
i’m tired of the phrase “too bad” so from now on I’m saying “that’s cactuses” and if you don’t like it well that’s cactuses
I requested better work conditions but my boss screamed and threw his toy at me and now we’re both sitting in the playpen crying
BREAKING: Hillary Clinton concedes election to Donald Trump, saying “I just can’t see how I can win after Scott Baio endorsed Trump.”
Hubs cleaned out the garage without being asked so I’m looking back over the Ashley Madison list just in case I missed something.
Let’s throw this crap away, but first lets try to sell it
-yard sale
don’t look at the title of Kill Bill before you watch because it’s a bit of a spoiler
if you’re in a movie theater fiddling/crinkling with a noisy snack…………………… you need to give up that struggle after 5 min. let it go. put the community before the snack
Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder!
Relationship- Significant other
Writer- Significant Author
Round Table- Significant Arthur
Corporations- Significant Auditor
Zookeeper- Significant Otter
I like that in The Little Mermaid, Ariel & King Triton wouldn’t violate a contractual obligation, but they murdered Ursula with a ship.
Older women aren’t afraid to ask for exactly what they want.
Doughnuts. I want doughnuts.