Dolly Madison should make snack cakes for diet “cheat days” and call them Ashley Madisons.
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Why are the people with the most annoying laughs the ones that find everything hysterical?
“Predators are essential for a healthy ecosystem,” I explained as I released a bobcat into the airduct
I’d rather my kid bring home head lice than another goddamn fundraising form.
Karate Kid (1984) A Japanese man teaches a desperate young boy about bullying by forcing him to fix his house.
That 👊
him: it’s nice that you wear your heart on your sleeve
me: that’s ketchup
Wife is out of town, so I’ve got the whole bed to myself. Time to sprawl out like a starfish and enjoy every inch*
*I slept in my usual two-foot sliver
Me: I’ve learned so much from my mistakes.
Also me: Let’s make a few more
If you give him the silent treatment, he wins. Instead, voice every single thought that pops into your head until he kills himself.
Odd – my boss told me to meet him at the abandoned quarry at midnight for my performance evaluation
Stop humanising dogs, they’re better than that.
Don’t get it. Heard the phrase “keep your friends clothes & keep your enemies clothes, sir”. Now I have a bunch of naked people angry at me.
A Haiku For My Salad:
I do not like you
You will never be grilled cheese
You make my mouth sad
Probably the worst part about being a snail is how you can’t put salt on your French fries.
Every surgery is exploratory if you’re confused enough
ME: shouldn’t i, the one who has accumulated all the debt, be known as the debt collector?
DEBT COLLECTOR: *muffled whispering*
ME:
DEBT COLLECTOR: i’ll call you back
Witch: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
Rapunzel: … Why tho
Witch: I wanna climb the tower
Rapunzel: Have you- have you seen the news? It’s close quarters up here
Witch: C’mon I gotta talk to you
Rapunzel: Can I just drop you a Zoom link
Him: Did you wash your hands?
Child (10): No, he didn’t.
Child (8): YOU DON’T KNOW MY LIFE!
I rank my kids by how many chores they do and how much they complain.
My favorite child is the Roomba.
I let my work email inbox get too full and now I can’t send or receive emails. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this sooner.
If I saw somebody eating a taco like that, I would slap that taco out of that hand.
All my friends asking me for a #PS5 😂
why do “youngster” and “elderly” get to be words, but “oldster” and “youngerly” don’t?
Plastic silverware: because the only thing I hate more than poisoning the environment is washing dishes.
A woman at the grocery store, who upon seeing my daughter’s blue eyes asked where she got them from, looked at both me and my husband, and then actually said out loud “did the milk man visit your mom?” What the actual fuck lady.
Cricket: what am I?
God: a bug
Cricket: *flutters wings* do I fly?
God: you sorta jump big
Cricket: *sees bird* is that a bug?
God: nah buddy that’s a bird
Bird: *chirps*
Cricket: *chirps*
God: no stop that
I will love you ’til the end of time, or until my blood alcohol level normalizes, whichever comes first.
On my way to work I saw a turtle crossing at a TURTLE CROSSING SIGN omg so responsible.
Luke: forgive me father for I have sinned
Darth Vader:
