Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

No one has a dog’s back like another dog. If a dog hears barking it will trust the other dog and join it bark first ask questions later….

Chickens only make one sound, because they can’t think outside the bawks.

I never have road rage, but if you have crooked bumper stickers, it’s on.

Are 19th Century menstrual pads called period pieces?

Apparently the g-spot is located in a $1700 pair of Christian Louboutins.

Me: I can’t wait until my kid is grown up and independant.

Also me, an adult: Hi mom. What’s my dentist’s name again?

“Let the chips fall where they may.”
-My kids when they’re eating chips on the couch.

Me at a rave: Where the fuck are the chairs

Someone just told me to tone it down a notch. So disrespectful. I don’t have notches. I’m analog. I’m continuous. We have smidgens. I’ll tone it down a smidgen.

Yesterday CNN reported that “sitting will kill you, even if you exercise” and I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but living will kill you.

“I heard you were responsible for like 30 million deaths. That’s crazy.” Jimmy Fallon interviewing Stalin

I don’t need armpits that smell like fruit salad or “sexy intrigue”. I exude that naturally.

The fruit salad smell. Not the sexy intrigue.

If it weren’t for the gutter my mind would be homeless.

Gentle reminder that you forgot to lock your door and I am in your living room

“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs

My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.

It’s only a matter of time before the casino realizes that baby I lost at the roulette table wasn’t mine

A Video no one needed, but since I miss saying these things, here is what Product Managers actually do.
Ask & say a bunch of random things to sound smart.

Hope I get hired for my honesty at least if not for my skills 😀

I used to party all night. Now I check the weather forecast for the next day to see if it’s a good laundry day

Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.

A client on the phone accidentally said they love me before they hung up

Not gonna lie it felt good

I’ve never seen anything sadder than me in a black cape under the salon lights with wet hair parted incorrectly by a solid inch

The microwave was invented in 1946 when an enraged toddler demanded his food be locked in a revolving prison and destroyed by lasers.

I threw a ball for my dog.

May be a little extravagant, but he looks great in a tux.

The real monsters are the people who hand you money with the bills not all facing in the same direction.

If by cleaning the house you mean did I light a scented candle then yes I cleaned the house

Sometimes I pet a cat just to make it bathe itself all over again

Guys, stop comparing Trump to Hitler. He thinks it’s a compliment. Call him a middle-aged woman or a peaceful Muslim.

I’ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people