Dolly Madison should make snack cakes for diet “cheat days” and call them Ashley Madisons.
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I’m working on inventing an electronic Ouija board so that I can keep tweeting after I die.
A friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend knows the password to your phone so they can delete all your nude selfies if you die
Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.
– My dog, whenever I’m eating.
wife: dont say anythin stupid on the way out
me: i wont
[shakes priest’s hand after lovely wedding ceremony]
me: so are you god’s boyfriend?
Friend’s 3 yr old: DO YOU THINK I’M A DOLLAR BILL?!
Me:
Friend, *embarrassed*: He means “adorable”
don’t like how strawberries have their seeds on the outside. kinda freaks me out. put a shirt on u little weirdo
Divorces should just be reverse weddings where you get pushed out of a church while your friends steal appliances from your home.
“Go to hell” is so abstract. “Get trapped in a porta potty for 67 months.” Now that’s specific. That’s possible. That’s terrifying.
NALA: Why can’t you be the king I know? The king you have inside you?
SIMBA: That doesn’t make sense. I think I’d remember if I ate a king.
My bank statement is just a record of everything I’ve eaten for the last month.
I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.
My answer to most questions is an intelligible grunt, a flustered pointing motion, & a 3 hour nap.
I set the automatic reply on my work email to “I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”
Now we wait.
Anxiety: get ready
Me: for what?
Anxiety: Get ready.
Me: For what?
Anxiety: GET READY!!!!!!!!!
Me: Gah! FOR WHAT?
I’m just a Whole Foods girl on a Walmart budget.
date: what do you do?
me: i’m a filmmaker.
date: oh what’s that like?
me: [shrugs] i inhale a lot of plastic fumes.
ham: accepted, non-offensive
hamn: curse, extremely forbidden
*getting murdered*
WAIT!!!!!!!
*buys new underwear and put them on.*
*flosses*
*sets phone on fire*Okay, proceed.
Okay, I’ll bite, what is “the Beatles”
“There are way too many people in there.”
~my 7yo’s review of Where’s Waldo
Europeans’ out of offices are like “I will not be working until 18 September. All emails will be automatically deleted.”
Americans: “I am in the hospital. Email responses may be delayed by up to 30 mins. Sorry for the inconvenience! If urgent, please reach me in the ER at…”
I’d be lost without the care instructions on these pants.
BRAZIL: Can you describe your attacker?
RYAN LOCHTE: You wouldn’t know him. He goes to another Olympics.
#LochteGate
A lot of people think it’s embarrassing Elvis died shitting in his bathroom but it would be way more embarrassing if he died shitting in his kitchen
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
My neighbor cut their tree down and now my house looks bald.
Glad I spent all this money on Bath & Body Works body wash just to make my wash cloths smell nice
Colleague: want some popcorn? Keeps you young and beautiful like me
Me: Really? Looks to me you should’ve been eating a hell of a lot more
My toddler has discovered this new thing that makes her laugh uncontrollably and it’s watching her parents try to swat a fly
Me: You don’t have to tell me twice.
Narrator: 38 times. You have to tell her 38 times.