Dolly Madison should make snack cakes for diet “cheat days” and call them Ashley Madisons.
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Overpopulation? Ban coffee. Humans will murder the shit out of each other.
If there isn’t an open bar at my funeral then count me out, I’m not going!
ME: so what do you do for a living
HER: I work for a moving company
ME: where is it today?
I’ll accept the consequences but in my defense, it was a double dare..
Judge: well in that case, I triple dog dare you 60 days in jail.
The average person eats 35,000 cookies before they die.
I think it would take far less if you tried to do that amount in one sitting.
PSYCHIC: I can feel a spirit in this house.
ME: Is it saying anything?
PSYCHIC: Yes, your car warranty is about to expire…
Me: So I punch them in the chest but then I’m supposed to feel bad about it and kiss them? Worst self defense class ever.
Instructor: ok yeah, so this is actually a CPR class.
my 4yo asked my favorite dinosaur and when I said t-rex he told me I couldn’t have it because that was his so I guess now I have to pick out a new 4yo
The people on house hunting shows are always like “I am a bus driver, and my partner here collects dead bugs. Our limit is 6 million dollars”.
Get real…
Wearing shirts of bands you don’t listen to is like refusing to eat the cupcake, but cool walking around with frosting all over your face.
ENTRY LEVEL JOB OPENING:
Hiring recent college gradsREQUIREMENTS:
5 years of experience, 6 Olympic gold medals, and superpowers.
[god creating sharks]
angel: what is this?
god: *wearing ‘live every week like it’s shark week’ shirt* I just want this to make sense
*weather drops 2 degrees*
me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas
I would never raise a hand to my children, but I do occasionally gift them an exploding cigar to evidence displeasure.
Have you ever had a conversation with someone and realize half way through that you’re going to need crayons to explain it to them?
My toddler appears to know a magic spell to transform any space into a Hoarders episode.
Welcome to Cupcake Yoga! NomNomaste.
As a woman I personally am looking forward to aging. I seriously cannot wait to use my senior discount at the diner, dye my white hair the same pink as Frenchie from Grease, & put tennis balls on my walker. I’m just gonna be so good at being old.
Me: I want to do unspeakable things to you.
Her: Tell me…
Me: Do you know what unspeakable means Lydia?
I told my 8yo to stop fighting with her sister, and she said “I’ll stop fighting with my sister when you stop fighting with yours.”
how about a smoke detector that can tell the difference between me cooking bacon and my house being engulfed in flames
I’m rearranging the kitchen which is devastating for my husband because now suddenly he remembers where everything used to be.
[hospital]
Me: how is he?
Her: he’s in the burn ward
Me: *tearing up* I’m an adult you can say H-E-double hockey sticks
Clerk: What do you do at work?
Me: Write stupid jokes on Twitter.
Clerk: You can get paid for that?
Me: Hell no. That’s why I do it at work.
how high up are we talkin’?
Girl likes ‘boys with accents <333’ on Facebook. I charge at her. “HELLOUGH!! I AM HELMUT, FROM RUSSIA. I WORK AS STRANGLER AT MEAT FACTORY”
Sometimes I like to stand up really fast to remember what drugs feel like
Nobody:
My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?
[May 2020]
Top 5 of the wealthiest ppl in the World thanks to Covid- 19.
5.
4.
3.
2.
1. Divorce lawyers
My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.