Dolly Parton is trending. I will just assume she’s won some Olympic medals and is acting like it’s no big deal.
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[1st date]
HER: I’m really into PETA
ME: [trying to impress] I love dipping it in hummus
Can’t believe I have to spend the rest of my life living the rest of my life
What in Willy Wonka Hillbilly Hell is this??
when all you have is a rotisserie everything looks like a chicken
Ralph thought she had a nerve to scream when she was the one trying to pee on him.
Sleeping is my drug, my bed is my dealer and my alarm is the police.🙃
[labels account “18+”]
[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]
“What a nice doggie.”
“I’ll have you know it’s not a doggie but a pure bred.”
“YOU HAVE A DOG MADE OUT OF BREAD??!!!!”
Priest: I now pronounce you man and wife
Me: why? “you” has literally none of those sounds
My bride: I changed my mind I want a divorce
*peeking out the curtains, sighing heavily* Honeyyyy we’ve got sexy singles in our area again
*getting the broom*
Shoo! Shoo! Terry, you have to stop leaving hard seltzers on the porch, it attracts them,
The existence of raw sexuality implies the existence of medium sexuality, but also well-done sexuality
I wonder who thought it was a good idea to put dart boards in bars.
I’m that bored in the house 🥺
#lockdownextension
Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn
I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.
Apparently, I have to go to the pet store because my wife is angry that I put the wrong gold fish in my kid’s packed lunch.
Friend: You’re Catholic?
Me: Yes
F: And you eat meat on Fridays?
M: I can guarantee if I’m going to hell it’s not for eating meat on Fridays
[leaving Hooters]
Wife: you thought there’d be owls
Me: *wiping away one tear* of course not don’t be ridiculous
I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.
Very sad to announce I need to cancel the 2020 Boston Handshaking Festival.
If you like piña coladas
And gettin’ caught in the rain
Then you need an umbrella
For your drink & your mane
Scientists hard at work to find out what the other 98% of 2% milk is: “Probably not bees,” says one scientist. “Dear god what if it’s bees?”
So eBay takes 10% of your profits and Craig’s List is 100% free, but with the chance of being murdered…such a dilemma
If I ever faint in front of you, don’t panic. Just open the bag of Doritos in my purse and wave it under my nose.
Not to say I’m reckless, but my guardian angel wears a blindfold.
sorry i left you on read i didn’t mean to open it just yet
I was trying to get a quarter size spider off of the ceiling and it fell INTO MY CLEAVAGE! After screaming my head off, jumping around and shaking my top like a Polaroid picture it fell out. I’m writing this from inside a dumpster I’ve set on fire. Farewell.
There are two wolves inside you
webmd: wolf cancer
My insurance does not cover Jesus taking the wheel. I checked.
It’s easy to blind someone with science. All you need is a good throwing arm, the proper wind direction, and a little sulfuric acid.