Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“You’re still a fun person,” I whisper to myself at 9:30 p.m, as I stir a pot of chilli like some kind of culinary night owl.

Nothing screams ‘life of the party’ like panic-cooking mince before it stages its own rebellion in the fridge.

I was raised Catholic. I know all the rules. And I broke most of them. 😈

*blasts Ride of the Valkyries as I fly over your house pooping*

I scream. You scream. We all scream. We’re being chased by bears. Life is a nightmare.

cake decorator: do you want an exclamation point after “happy birthday”?

me: no, my son wanted more of a somber motif for his sixth birthday

I broke up with a guy because he killed a horse on Skyrim.

like my toaster, i too spend a lot of time in my kitchen making sudden movements and burning things.

Elderly woman at bus stop just said my son was “beautiful.” UM STEP OFF PERVERT UR LIKE 40x HIS AGE cc: @LAPD

If Planet Fitness didn’t want me eating a turkey leg on the stairmaster then they shouldn’t call it a “Judgment free” zone.

pharmacy child-safety bottles have gone so far that i just have to swallow the bottle whole and hope my stomach knows what to do

me: *vacuums up ant*

ant: oh no

me: *vacuums up all the food my kids spilled*

ant: oh wait

I’ve just bought a new Christmas keyboard for my computer.

There’s No L.

Bully gets me in a headlock not realizing my entire head is pre-slathered in fish oil and I just slip right out! The janitor chants my name.

Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.

Last year I ate out alone on Valentine’s Day. To avoid embarrassment, I yacked the whole time with a lovely couple the next table over.

Nobody:

8: “Mommy! Did you know that cowboys say YEE-HA! and ninjas say HEE-YA!”

Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology

NOAH: whoa hold up, we already have two slugs

SLUG (wearing shell): no no, not slug *taps shell with eyeball* call me snail

NOAH: *narrows eyes* you look like a slug

SLUG: does the big guy know you brought your wife and kids?

NOAH:

SLUG:

NOAH: karaoke’s at 7

Dr. says I have an enlarged heart thanks doc I already know I’m super nice just trying to figure out why I can’t breathe when I eat chips

Dad’s jean shorts in the 80’s were one move away from being the Basic Instinct scene

Do you ever look at someone and think I’d like to be like that when I grow up and then realise that you’re the same age?

Optimus Prime: AUTOBOTS, ROLL OUT.

Me: *walks downstairs* where the hell is my toaster and microwave?

Your cat doesn’t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.

Don’t be scared of a snake. It’s just a slimey, conscious rope that is evil and can kill you.

The beastie boys didn’t prepare me for all of the rights we actually have to fight for.

i just ordered an RGB bulb for when i play music too loud and my mom says this is a house not a nightclub I’ll say i beg to differ

Lionel Richie: 🎶hello is it me you’re looking for?

caller: actually yes I’d like to speak to you about your car’s extended warranty

Son: the tooth fairy didn’t leave me any money
Me, forgetting he put a tooth under his pillow because I was up playing Fortnite until 4am: yeah I’m afraid she died

“You’re saying it’s all an act?

Chewbacca: Indubitably, my good man.

My friend got my girls slime for their bday so I’m getting her daughter a harmonica for hers.