Dolly Parton not making lollipops in the shape of her head and calling them Dollipops is unfortunate.
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*discovering flying dinosaur*
PALEONTOLOGIST: We’ll call it pterodactyl, for “wing fingers”
ME: *crumples up note that says skynosaur*
[bank robbery]
Me: *whispers to other hostages* okay listen, nobody’s gonna die on my watch. It’s very expensive and I don’t want any blood on it
“What do you mean a baguette isn’t a female bag?”
Shut up laundry.Nobody wants to do you.
[I time travel to 1998]
Guy: This is the first showing of Mulan, how does that dude in the front row already know the words to all the songs
*orders sushi for delivery*
*throws towel over aquarium*
My husband didn’t have Snapchat so I convinced him to download it “because it will be fun!” and the first request he received was from his ex-girlfriend, so I deleted my husband’s Snapchat bc what grown man needs a stupid Snapchat anyway.
CASHIER: Would you like a plastic bag you worthless, turtle killing garbage person?
HELLO POLICE, MY SON JUST TAUGHT CUT TO A LEGENDARY POKEMON I WANT HIM TRIED AS AN ADULT
“Milk does a body good” I whisper as I down a whole gallon of heavy whipping cream.
To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.
You can always tell if the person in a portrait is a politician by the way their lies follow you around the room
[audition]
Casting Director: can you do accents?
Me: *cries Britishly*
CD: oh very nice, excellent- anything else?
Me: *cries in Japanese*
CD, overcome with emotion: breathtaking… truly
A squirrel just tried to break into my house,
I’ve gotta find another tree
What should we call our new store?
“Will we sell pottery?”
No.
“Is it in a barn?”
No.
“Let’s go with Pottery Barn.”
Hell, I love it Carl.
A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this
Sometimes I’ll call in, disguise my voice, and insist on speaking to me, or I’ll take my business elsewhere.
I have a black cat called Blackie and a fish called Fishface, so I get it guy who named the Walkie talkie.
You know you where drunk last night when you realise you cooked your pizza for 200 minutes at 18 degrees
Me, sets my alarm for 6.30 am.
My brain: I will start to sleep at exactly 6.30 am.
[man who won the lottery]: here’s why i think buying lottery tickets is the future of finance 👇🧵
I play videogames for a few hours and World War 3 breaks out wtf
Just think, if you had managed to squeeze in 20-30 minutes of running every day for the past month, you’d be really far from home right now.
I had a rough childhood. I saw things that no one should ever have to see. For example, The Phantom Menace.
Found some beef jerky under my kid’s pillow, and now I have some questions for the tooth fairy
My wife handed me a clean towel and told me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
*eats nothing but junk food for 3 weeks straight*
OMG is bellyache a symptom?!
him: Hey what’s the name of the guy who lives two houses down?
me: his dogs names are Walter and Rose
him: that’s not what I asked
me: that is the information I have
“This movie is intended for 18+ viewers.” Bro, I don’t have 17 friends to watch this with.
y’alllll a young person asked for historical fiction and I asked her if she had a particular time period in mind and she said the 80s and 90s