Dolly Parton not making lollipops in the shape of her head and calling them Dollipops is unfortunate.

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My girlfriend and I are celebrating our anniversary tonight by breaking up six years ago.


ME: I want a koi swimming downstream

TATTOO ARTIST: Ah yes. That’s very symbolic. You must be very spiritual?

ME: Ya ha. Also, put a pop-tart in its mouth


Both her name and her living situation suggests that the dwarves MAY have been referring to Snow White when they sang, ‘high ho.’


I once dated a dentist. He had a tiny round mirror on the ceiling over his bed.


HIM: I like your shirt!

ME: [wondering why he excluded every other thing I’m wearing and also me] thanks


Tandem parachute instructor: Is this your first time?

Me: No I’ve been terrified loads of times

Tandem parachute instructor: I meant doing this

Me: Oh yes, first ever hug and I like it


I’m so inactive, my Fitbit sent my family a bouquet of flowers and a sympathy card.


Told 9 to get a cup from the kitchen
He got up,walked 2 the kitchen, came back sat on the couch cuz he 4got what he was doing

Yep he’s mine


I represented criminals before I switched to divorce law. Not one accused murderer or drug dealer ever scared me more than the soccer mom who just found out her husband is cheating on her with the PTA Vice President.


Give a man a fish and he’ll go to McDonald’s instead.

Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald’s