Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sandra the orangutang started washing her hands because she saw all the zookeepers doing it repeatedly during the COVID-19 crisis.

Wash your hands.
Be more like Sandra.🌎❤️🧼🌎

If you think swimming with dolphins is expensive, you should try swimming with sharks.

It cost me an arm and a leg!

When I die, I’m donating my body to pseudoscience. I hope they’ll use it as Bigfoot bait.

The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.

4 when I ask to play with him: please don’t touch my toys mommy

4 when I’m trying to take a relaxing bath: please accept every toy I own immediately

“Why don’t you have kids yet?” is a great question, ma’am, but I’m saving that conversation for the right total stranger at this gym.

Me: *eating 3rd Twix of the day*
Her: You eat too much candy, you’re going to make me a widow
Me: *orders 10 truckloads & cancels all plans*

Sitting on the toilet when 3 comes in and turns off all the lights just to see if his hot wheels glows in the dark.

Fun times

I want you to rub my belly but I’m going to roll over juuust out of reach

– my dog begging

How to make a woman scream in the bedroom: marry her and leave your clothes on the floor.

[pitching movie]
“It’s Titanic…”
Go on
“from the iceberg’s perspective”
holy shit

Me, wearing face mask. Flight attendant: “are you gonna be like this all night?” Me: “yes!! It’s the best mask ever. From Korea. Collagen! Ugh it’s called….Let me get the package out of the trash so you can see ok one sec” flight attendant: “no I just mean like, awake”

my friends when i can’t do basic math

Shout out to humans as bipedals, positively freakish the way our posture’s all straight up and vulnerable. Nobody in the game doin it like we do

is the plural of judas judasses or judi

My neighbor killed the grass in my yard so now I have to go and be all Lawn Wick on his garden gnomes

This isn’t a bathroom. Go outside if you have to do that. GET THAT OUT OF YOUR MOUTH. Help me help you.

-talking to drunks & puppies

I’m so sick and tired of my friends who can’t handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me three time while carrying me to the car.

My girlfriend thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m fuckin’ awesome because I have the bread.

The photographer’s assistant

If you ever see me on my death bed, please take me off my death bed & move me to my alive bed thx

When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.

Women love when their boots go Click Clack because it reminds them of horses, from which women evolved.

In my village the coming of age test is this: your mother abandons you in a grocery store. If you maintain your humanity and survive on groceries you will be a great leader. If you let yourself be raised as a grocery you will become the grocery shaman and do great grocery magic.

OF COURSE I’m not on my first box of Christmas Tree Cakes! ARE YOU NUTS?!… I’m on my second.

pisses me off to see people assume justin timberlake “driving while intoxicated” = “drunk driving.” he might have been intoxicated by an aroma, a sound, an idea.

Hell yes, I have the body of a Greek god: nice abs, expressionless eyes, genitals shot off by bored soldiers during The Franco-Prussian War

It’s the weekend, baby! Time to sit in my neighbor’s tree and make bird noises

Somewhere, some Nigerian lawyer is wondering why you’re not sending him the personal information that he needs to give you your inheritance

Cavemen were like ‘kill two pterodactyls with one pstone’