Dolly Parton wrote “Jolene” and “I Will Always Love You” on the same day and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
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doctor: no heavy exercise for a month
me: I should get a bell to put by my bed so everyone will know if I need something
dr: normal activity should be fine
me: I should get a flatscreen for the ceiling
dr: uh
me: oooh I should hire someone to turn my pillows to the cool side
SUPERHERO: I alienate my loved ones to protect them from danger
ME: Me too, that’s also my reason
HER: I love Game Of Thrones
ME(trying to impress her): I slept with my sister
You can sing along to a good song in my car as long as you don’t take lead vocals. Just accept that you’re a background singer or get out.
While in restaurants as a kid, my parents would pay by credit card in a machine that looked like it could take your finger off
Occasionally, the universe will send a sniffly stranger to stand too close to you in the store and inexplicably follow you through a couple aisles. Just for funsies
Sex is fine, but have you ever completed every single thing on your to-do list?
Dr: What seems to be the problem?
Me: It’s my hearing, Doctor.
Dr: Can you describe the symptoms?
Me: Mmm, well, there’s Homer, Bart….
Gym instructor: It’s never too late to start working out.
Me: Fantastic! I’ll start tomorrow.
he said he hasn’t touched my anti aging serum but one of his palms clearly looks younger than the other
Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours.
My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.
*mom puts teen’s clean clothes at bottom of the stairs*
Mom meaning: Take up stairs, put away
Teen meaning: Obstacle course on the stairs!
OF COURSE IT’S A GENUINE BEETHOVEN! Look at those brush strokes, the stunning use of colour.
I respect every moose for having two giant high-fives growing out of his head.
HUSBAND 911: what your emergency?
ME: my wife hears everything
HUSBAND 911: do I?
ME: what?
HUSBAND 911: what?
A lot of people get scared when they watch movies. Not me. I know the lion at the start is just a logo.
I don’t know how to break it to the new dog, but ours is not a parkour house.
She died as she lived. Listening to the story of what her kid watched on YouTube that day.
alcohol soaked fruit is still considered fruit though right
Haters gonna hate…
Masters gonna bate.
‘Your Song’ by Elton John was released
53 YEARS AGO TODAY so, that funny feeling inside might be you getting old.
[Robbery]
Sloth Man: I’ll use my powers to make the criminals fall asleep.
*Runs to bank*
*Reaches bank 18 hrs later*
SM: How’d they escape?
me: *kicking stirrups* go on now git
gynecologist: stop that
they’re just heading into the office early to ketchup on some paperwork
Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively
What if i just replied “not now kitten daddy’s busy” to all my work emails?
People are so fake how can you love your newborn baby when you met it like 2 minutes ago and don’t know anything about it
Do you know what kind of pants a psychic wears?
Just a paranormal pants.