Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next shit could spell disaster!

[trick or treating]

“Oh, what a cute little…what’s she doing?”

Me: potty training.

“In my pumpkin?!”

Me: She likes the heated seat.

Most drug-sniffing dogs refuse to admit they have a problem

Do you ever take a bunch of pills, forget that you took a bunch of pills, take a bunch more pills, and then die? I know. Me TOO.

While doing her history homework, my daughter asked me what I knew about Galileo.

I said, he’s just a poor boy from a poor family.

Hey “greatest generation” why is every thrift store filled with ceramic clowns

What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.

If there’s ever an alien invasion I hope it doesn’t start while I’m asleep. I hate being woken up before my alarm.

When a cop talks to you about Miranda, he’s not inviting you for a three-way… I know this now.

Saw Top Gun, and I think with the right amount of mustache, I could definitely fly a jet.

Bread pudding is not a dessert. it is just wet bread. do not fall for this scam. Resist.

What’s this sorcery? 😂

Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.

My calendar says I have 18 meetings left this week. Time to go lick Maria in accounting; she’s coming down with flu.

A “birthday card” from my 8 y/o…
Hallmark, you hiring?

I am at my most sexiest when I have to wash my hair twice in one day because I got ranch dressing in my hair from eating wings for dinner. Line forms to the left, gentlemen.

I saw a bald eagle carry away a bunny rabbit today, and I was like, “well, at least somebody gets to be held.”

If you have three cookies and one is oatmeal raisin, you only have two cookies.

Imagine having a baby that didn’t photograph well for Instagram. What a waste.

My car has the innate super power of knowing when I have any extra money and spontaneously breaking down.

there is a small frog hiding in the water fountain at work and I am very jealous of him

gf: Daddy
me: don’t call me that it’s creepy
gf: Sorry Baby
me: that’s better

How do girls remember every word of an argument? I don’t remember what I had for dinner and I’m eating it now

After several Steven Segal films in a row, you’d think bad guys would know to avoid rooms that contain both him & a PoolTable

Just watched a guy walk out of the tanning place and immediately light a cigarette. Slow down, buddy. Don’t get all the cancer today!

Do not stop by my house unexpectedly then act surprised when I answer the door in my underwear eating baked beans straight from the can.

Guys I finally came up with a name for our character: Spongebob
“Perfect!”
Thanks
“What’s his last name?”
Oh, uh- *looks at pic* Squarepants

Police: can you describe the woman who stabbed you

Male author: Lithe, spirited, and outgoing. She was a raw sexual force and she knew it. She was a dandelion fluff on a summer day, gone in an instant, leaving you with nothing but the memory of her smell

Police:

We’re all controlled by the bots and algorithms. Except you, your thoughts and opinions are completely original. 🙂