Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Guy: If u won lotto, what’d u get?
Me: A cat sitter
G: To take extra good care of Sox?
M: *pictures a cat in a suit taking care of me* Yes

Do bouncers get paid in toothpicks or are they a part of their uniform, or what exactly is the deal here?

Her: Who ate all the ice cream?

Me: *blaming the dog* Reese

Her: What? How?

Me: Witherspoon

If a 4-year-old says, “I’m scared there’s a monster living under my bed” Don’t reply, “Oh, that’s where he’s been hiding.”

I know that now.

Nothing shocks you quite like finding out your friend’s younger sibling is an adult with a job and family and is not 12 years old anymore.

Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.

If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.

me: an artist’s work is never truly appreciated until after their death.

subway sandwich artist: please, sir, i have a family.

Weird how first we have to pretend to be asleep in order to fall asleep.

The dogboner /Neil degrasse Tyson situation has been an elaborate ruse all so Michael hale could claim on gawker that he has a girlfriend

Happy 10th birthday to your dating profile pic.

I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don’t want them to fall in love with me.

Instead of getting annoyed, that stranger should have thanked me for tweezing his unruly ear hair.

I thought getting old would include more naps, but I’m starting to suspect that old people only close their eyes to ignore everyone.

20s wristband:
After hours club.

50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.

The moon is in my awful neighbor’s backyard. Girl, he’s the worst. What are you doing?

Everybody keep your fingers crossed for me today.

Nothing’s happening, I just like bossing around internet strangers.

This meal prepping shit easy

I don’t really understand the rules for Pommel Horse, so either this is all very impressive or I am witnessing some of the worst attempts to sit down I’ve ever seen.

I’m at that age where all of my sentences start like this one.

Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?

My dad.

I gave birth to two human beings, yet I’m in awe that I’m growing a plant out of a sweet potato.

When my daughter is alarmed she says what the fridge! And I’m cool with it.

me, when I was a centaur and dropped a contact

If I insult you, I’m either flirting or genuinely don’t like you. Good luck with that.

“Yeah, well your dog isn’t a rescue, your snacks are processed and everyone knows you’re vaccinated” – how a kid talks shit in 2015

Might have to change my avi if people keep asking: “Which one is the dog?”

Kong’s very sensitive.

“I want her skin.”

-Serial killers and teenage girls

ME: how do you stop yourself from falling all the way to China?
GHOST: I can’t do this anymore. I’m going to haunt a different house.

boss: hi

me: *pretends to read an email*

boss: did u just say “pretends to read an email”