Dolly Parton wrote Jolene and I Will Always Love You on the same day. Today I put a wash on, walked the dog and I’m now making tea. That’s three things. Your move country girl, your move.
You Might Also Like
Whenever I hear “let me tell you the truth”, I secretly cross my fingers, hoping they say “brownies are healthy, eat as many as you want.”
So many chores, so many kids to do them for me
So apparently makeup sex after you argue with a coworker is not a thing.
My husband coughed and then I coughed from another room. This is our version of echolocation.
wife *buying dinosaur balloons*
clerk: Is it someone’s birthday? *smiles at toddler*
wife: It is
clerk: How old?
wife: 35
🎵 Papa, just killed this toy
Stomped my foot against its head
Batteries fell out, now it’s dead Papa, playtime had just begun
But now I’ll go and throw tantrums all day…🎵-If “Bohemian Rhapsody” was remade to fit my toddler’s mood.
“You haven’t changed since college” isn’t necessarily a compliment, it could mean that you looked 40 when you were 20. Have a great day!
Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.
I’ve had so much cough medicine and this has me in tears
Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it
Me: *slowly opens pizza box*
Alien: dude
[Last Supper]
Jesus: *holds up bread* This is my body
*holds up wine* This is my blood
And this is Sparta!
*kicks Judas into a pit*
Perfume is designed to be an invisible accessory.
It’s not designed to instantly kill the canary when you entered the room.
When my doctor diagnosed me with squid magnet syndrome I had a lot of questi… [a squid hits me in the face at 900mph killing me instantly]
I told my husband not to get me anything for Valentine’s Day, now we wait…
my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades
“Have you tried just letting go?” Me as a therapist
“Whatever you do, don’t let go!” Me as a part-time mountain climbing instructor
Was a bad day at the office the time I mixed those two up…
Wife: *putting shoes on* Time to take out the garbage
Me: Can we please go back to calling it date night
*steals machine parts all year*
*gets coal for xmas*
“Santa you idiot, the parts were for a pressure chamber”
*turns coal into diamond*
Everyone has their talents. Mine is picking the grocery store checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.
beyond meat implies the existence of bed meat and bath meat
I’m not a liar. I have an English degree; I’m an unreliable narrator.
I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. I also love to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.
SPIN INSTRUCTOR: you can do this, you just have to want it
ME, NOT EATING ICE CREAM SANDWICHES IN BED: neat. what’s another way?
The Professor Banned Laptops In Class. Too Bad College Kids Are Petty!😂😭😭
If by ‘paleontologist’ you mean I can name all 5 shapes in the box of dinosaur chicken nuggets then, yes, I am a paleontologist.
[Judge] everyone is here, the new court reporter is ready, we may begin
[Me, nervously] wait did he say REPORTER? i thought it was–
[Lawyer] ladies and gentlemen of the jury…
[Me, sweating] *starts playing hot cross buns*
ME: The irony is it’d be harder to identify the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles if they didn’t wear masks
MAN AT URINAL: I didn’t say anything
Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?
Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.
I’m sorry Mr. Simmons. I really enjoy babysitting little Timmy, but I’m only 14. I need real money, not bitcoin.
We have two 5 month old kittens and they went outside for the first time today. They stepped out, looked around, saw our neighbour then ran back in and hid under the table and I think I may have birthed them