Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *dies*

My kids: *taking out Ouija board*

H-I
M-O-M
W-H-A-T
A-R-E
Y-O-U
M-A-K-I-N-G
F-O-R
D-I-N-N-E-R?

With all due respect, your kid sneezed on me first.

You can’t take away snow days and make them remote learning days. Snow days aren’t about learning. If god wanted the children to learn, he wouldn’t have made it snow.

The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.

Maybe if we didn’t spend SO much time throwing gang signs we could’ve started this baking class on time

If I fall of this roof cause I’m tweeting, you fuckers have to come and take turns spoon feeding me mash in hospital.

If you don’t have any friends who have covid right now you’re blessed or you probably don’t have friends

My 4 year old spilled water on his bathing suit, so he can’t go in the pool until he changes and this is why vodka is a thing.

TEACHER: please take off your hat in class
*I take off my hat revealing a slightly smaller hat*
ME: I can do this 14 more times

Asking the real questions!

I’d rather be liked than loved. When you disappoint a girl who likes you, she’s less likely to make a pact with Lucifer to destroy your life

It’s not so much sneaking out of my kids room after she falls asleep as it is doing a trust fall out of her twin bed and hoping the discarded stuffies catch me.

Genie: “You have 3 wishes.”
Ian: “I wish for everyone to be equal.”
Genie: “Okay. You have no wishes.”

Might cry like a baby hoping to get scooped up by a dingo.

Last night I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a screwdriver. I turned a few heads.

[coming through customs]
Okay Sir 1 last thing before we’re done. Is there anything you’d like to declare?
*slams passport*
“I’ve had sex.”

[Buys a popcorn and cola combo at the movies]

My Financial Advisor:

“I see you’re going somewhere. Guess I’ll walk right in front of you.”

— kids, pets, spouses

This chick just said Q as in cucumber.

I’ma just focus on me.

If I had a dollar for every time I’ve threatened to cancel Halloween today, then I’d have about 25 dollars.

( spelling bee )

Your word is “passive-aggressive”

“Can you use it in a sentence?”

Sure, kid.
I’ll hold up the contest just for you.

8: momma why didn’t you swim?

Me: I wasn’t in the mood and not a big fan of swimming.

8: well I’m not ever in the mood or a fan of school and I have to do that.

All I’m saying is, maybe the designers of this statue could have worked a little harder to find an inspiring Rod Serling quote.

I’m not waiting until I’m a ghost to tell people ‘get out of my house’ in a creepy voice

Me: I miss sushi
Also me: eyeballing your aquarium

and that’s why I’m fat🤭

[speaking at an AA meeting]

Me: You’ll find the transition from hard liquor to hard drugs expensive, but very rewarding

*everyone cheers*

[after sleeping in a slightly different position] I have gathered you all here to read my last will and testament…

I’ve started slipping an occasional “meow” into everyday conversations with people to see if they’re really listening meow to me.