Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why is it wealthy people can refuse to pay their bills and suffer no consequences, but if I don’t pay my electr

I took the first step towards cleaning out my closet today. I went in there and looked it over good.

Spices were first brought to Europe in the Middle Ages, and some of them are still at the back of my cupboard.

I knew a guy used to trophy hunt corn. Had a necklace of ears.

Took my toddler for a long walk like a goddamned super mom…lost his stroller in the creek like the mom I actually am.

I can’t explain it but making the bed changes me on a deep spiritual level. Stressed? Make the bed! The rest of your house is in shambles? Ahhhh look at that nice made bed, luxury! 5 mins before bedtime but you forgot to make the bed? Simply make the bed and get in it.

If Edgar Allen Poe didn’t have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.

me: haha no I’m not ready to have kids yet

landlord: no not parent, “pay rent.”

me: don’t get me started. i’m not compensated well at work whatsoever.

landlord: NO NOT PAY RANT!

me as a parent

[at a wake]

Me: *closes coffin to set my drink down* so, what are you doing after this

Widow: wow

My kids devour food so quickly that my fridge has been broken for two months and nobody realized.

Little known fact: Scotland is just an elaborate hoax with Mike Myers playing all of its citizens.

when someone bumps into you, immediately say (loudly) “oh no my hot bod!”

I spent the last twenty minutes telling my wife about plot holes that I’ve found in the frozen film franchise. So I guess this is who I am now.

If chickens ate human eggs we’d probably be in some kind of chicken war.

BlackBerry’s are great phones to have if you’re time traveling to 2005 and don’t want people to know you’re from the future.

My dad never missed an opportunity to work during a family vacation. I never understood why until I had kids.

Date – “I really dig intellectuals”
Me – “oh yeah? well check this out babe”
[counts to 17]

Bunnies are not the same as cats, but I dare you to tell the difference in a blind taste test.

Imagine Dragons.

No. Dragoner.

I’m not an actress but I play one on the phone when the lady asks me if I have a pen to write down the confirmation code.

me: goodnight moon 🙂

moon: goodnight

me: goodnight stars 🙂

stars: goodnight

me: goodnight planetarium security guard 🙂

security guard: how the hell did you get in here

*getting eyelashes done* just glue them shut I’ve seen enough

On a scale of quack to quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack, what do you think of my duck-based numbering system?

if I were a british cop I would say “wots all this then” so freaking much.

if you love someone, set them free; now you don’t have to buy anything for Valentine’s Day

[watching a movie]

Me: ooh! I know that actor! Wasn’t he in that tv show we watched?

Him: no that wasn’t him that was a different actor

Me:

Him:

Me: *eyes narrow*

Him: *eyes narrow*

*both start frantically googling*

A bunch of bras is called a support group.

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Life got you down? Just remember that you will never be as confused and sad as the friends and relatives of the world’s first clown.