Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“You’re going out with that boy again? He’s no good.”

“Relax, grandma.”

*furiously knits a condom*

“Grandma, that’s not how it works.”

*enters bubble blowing contest
*blows BIG bubble
*guy blows BIGGER bubble
*pulls knife
*pops bubble

(ALWAYS bring a knife to a gum fight.)

[2052 pre-apocalypse]

Him: If only we had one of those old VCR cables, we could save the world

Me: (pulling out bin) SEE KAREN, I TOLD YOU WE NEEDED TO KEEP THESE CORDS

The feminine urge to sneeze with wet mascara.

a woman showed up two hours early to the theatre furious because she “didn’t know it was daylight savings” and I said “do you have a smartphone? those change time automatically” and she goes “yes but why would I look at that, I know what time it is” ???? famously you do not

* Tries to keep eye contact on a date with a crab *

Crab : My eyes are up here.

I was gonna say “that’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard” but, I wanna wait to hear what you have to say next..

#CancelDJDarrellRipley

[High school reunion]
Hey guys! Remember me!?
“No”
How about now? *puts an entire toilet on my head*
(in unison) CHRIS!

The year 2077. Due to the dog filter, face swap, and distortion filters, senior citizens have no idea what they really looked like as teens.

Bartender: What can I get you, gorgeous?
Me: The blood of all my enemies.
Bartender:
Me:
Bartender:
Me: Miller Light

I was just in Italy telling Rihanna how I hate when people lie to appear cool

every coat is a fur coat when your cat sleeps on it

If pigeons and chickens made a tribe would the be called the coo clucks clan ?🤔

I’ve been trying to leave Rome for weeks but all their roads have this weird design flaw.

IT’S-A ME,

I don’t think a single person at the office noticed that I shaved off my mustache. All I heard all day long was, “Where are your pants?”

Sorry can’t, setting up an alarm on my spice cupboard so my mother-in-law won’t rearrange it

it is time once again. all hail the thanksgiving tube

sure sex is great for your memory but have you guys ever had sex? i heard it’s great for your memory.

*touches a turtel* *dies*
*touches a plant* *dies*
wow mario are u allergic to evreything or wat

Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:

I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.

At this rate, I can’t wait to see what the holiday decorations look like.

I live 30 feet from my mother-in-law, Hell holds no surprises.

*Salem 1692*
Witch: I’m not a witch!
Judge: Look, if we’re being honest, you’re on trial for being a woman. Don’t make this weird

When zombies find campers in sleeping bags, I bet they think “mmm, people burritos.”

Friend in Austin was at a bar and saw this.

i love that gatorade says 0% juice. like yeah we’re well aware there’s no fruit named “cool blue”

inappropriate Care Bears be like:

stranger: you’re gunna look stupid with all those tattoos when you’re 80

me: listen pal, everyone looks stupid when they’re 80

Why do all these blurry people keep telling me I’m drunk?