Dolphin son: dad, how did you know mom was the one
Dolphin dad: the first time I met her we just clicked
You Might Also Like
Husband is watching a Hunger Games movie marathon with the kids.
Little does he know that while he’s at work all day, I LIVE the Hunger Games with these people. And it’s definitely a marathon.
It doesn’t matter if you’re filming a segment for TV or not, if you’re hanging out with Tom Cruise, at some point you’re jumping out of a plane
I have a pet termite named Clint.
Clint eats wood…
I’m sorry I’m sorry
[aquarium]
*penguin strapped on my back*
Ma’am, is that a penguin on your back?
No, it’s just a backpack.
Oh, WHAT’S IN IT?!
um, fish
You don’t see many dog librarians. Probably because of the barking.
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
Tell your household jumble of working & non working miscellaneous cables I said hi
Recipes call for an item that isn’t used much and the grocery story only has 40 pound bags of it for $7000.
Don’t let people tell you that you can’t give up. You totally can. I do it all the time.
Me: “I wish I was super hot…”
Menopause: “I got you, boo.”
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
[God is taking a nap]
Prankster Angel: Um yea hi, Abraham? This is God. *trying super hard not to laugh* You need to kill your son.
Day 6 of April vacation: husband and I had this idea that if we get divorced and each marry someone willing to be an involved step-parent, we would have more time to hang out with each other.
I have complicated opinions on the death penalty. I think it’s wrong but I also think that owners of cash-only establishments should get it.
One day I will peel open the plastic film on a yogurt container and not get sprayed in the face with yogurt juice. Today is not that day.
mechanics be like
If you don’t open your mouth when you yawn, you’re a monster. I’m serious. Let that demon go. You’re freaking everybody out.
What no one in the congregation expected was a reverse rapture that left everyone naked watching their clothes float away.
If you see me in the baby section at the store, there’s no bun in the oven. Just a cat at home that clearly needs a onesie.
*dog walks into a pet store wearing a fake moustache*
“Hello sir or ma’am I would like to lovingly adopt your most delicious cat”
Here’s my ONLY problem with Evolution:
When the chocolate chip evolved, how did the raisin not go extinct?
Returning to the office, after working from home for 18 months, and all I worried about was would I have enough snacks to get me through the day
Mad Max- road rage
Atlas- road page
Highway worker- road wage
Radar gun- road gauge
Dog catcher- road cage
I bought a baby monitor, because someone told me it would be useful.
But it just sits around basking in the sun and eating flies.
I was going to eat a salad today, but then I remembered I’m not a rabbit.
You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on
me: I think some people are birds in disguise
friend: lol can I tweet that
me: *narrows eyes* can you what
Just got 30 orange oval stickers printed that read NOW HAMSTER FREE
I’m putting them on all the meatloaf packages in this supermarket
If you accidentally get stuck holding the door for a bunch of people. 1. Relax 2. Accept your fate 3. You are part of the building now
Guy 1: guess I shouldn’t get in the water
Guy 2: why
Guy 2: well it’s shark week
Guy 1: that’s…that’s not what shark week is