Dolphin son: dad, how did you know mom was the one
Dolphin dad: the first time I met her we just clicked
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Why are dirty words only four letters. There should be at least one 19-letter word that’s so filthy you get grounded for a month.
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
I have two boyfriends!
Well, I’m dating two men
Okay. Ben and I are just friends
Same with Jerry
Fine. I have ice cream.
But it’s love.
Me: Hello, can you force an update on my computer that will affect most of my vital programs in a negative way?
Microsoft: Actually, we were just about to push an update to do that.
Me: Can you also offer no help to fix the issues?
Microsoft: Have we ever not let you down?
She looks at me with those come hither eyes & I’m over here frantically flipping thru a dictionary trying to figure out what “hither” means.
You know spaghetti is done when it leaves and takes the kids
I’m pretty like a car crash.
I bet that cop who went down the slide real fast has some relatives who have been waiting MONTHS to get to roast him to his face today.
4-year-old trying pop rocks:
I think there’s some people having a birthday in my mouth
Everyday is talk like a pirate day if you’re committed and annoying enough
If you know a girl who uses metric I’d love to meter.
Stop buying plastic skeletons for Halloween. It’s terrible for the environment. Locally sourced, all natural skeletons are much more environmentally friendly.
I have the flu. And as a parent, that means absolutely nothing about my day changes.
Staying in a cabin with three other guys for a weekend has just become a race to say, “There he is!” anytime someone enters a room.
[watching Ratatouille]
me: I think I could do thather: be a chef?
me: be manipulated by an animal
I got Chinese takeout for the family and used tweezers to see which cookie had the best fortune so I could take it. Because sometimes fate needs to be steered.
my dog when she sees a vacuum: i have no concept of heaven and hell but holy shit you are the devil
How can vampires enjoy drinking our hot blood in the summer and other thoughts that keep me up at night
“NO NUT NOVEMBER” I scream before stabbing Mr. Peanut with an Epi-Pen
Tai Chi in the streets. Chai Tea in the steeps.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
“LINES OF COKE” is the only acceptable answer to yell from the bathroom when someone asks you a stupid question like what are you doing in there
If I’m struggling to write new jokes, I find it helps to go on a long walk. Sooner or later I’ll meet someone who hasn’t heard my old jokes.
Me: Got any baby aspirin?
Clerk: No, we’re out
Me: *Slides two aspirin bottles together. Plays Marvin Gaye*
Clerk: Sir–
Me: DON’T RUSH THEM!
Grandparents these days decide to be called things like Nana or Papa or Mimi but why stop there? I’m going to make my grandkids call me Bobcat.
Organ harvesting really creeps me out, so I’m doing what I can to make mine unsalvageable.
In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. And God said, let there be light: and there was light. And God said let there be sunshine and moonlight and good times.
And then God blamed it on the boogie.
[to tall guy in front of me at the movies] dude at least face the screen
I am convinced Americans are required by law to watch football. Ain’t no way this many people watch it all day long by choice
I’m being forced to attend a family dinner tonight at a priest’s house…
There’s no such thing as a surprise exorcism, right?