5yo slooowly walks by: “Hi, mom and dad.”
4yo slooowly walks by: “Hi, mom and dad.”
CODE RED CODE RED
dolphin trainer: dolphins are really smart
me [to dolphin]: do my taxes
dolphin trainer: and honest
me: on second thought
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The door is closed? I want in. The door is open? I want out. Actually I just want to sit in the door frame itself. – Pets
Me: What are you doing sweet girl
4yo: Making my dolls eat brains.
Me: I have no friends
My bed: Wow I’m like right here
[Jumps into taxi]
[taxi driver turns around excitedly]
“…ME ON TWITTER”
[Jumps out & moonwalks into Olive garden]
If I wanted to drive my wife insane, I’d secretly raise a colony of bees & place one new bee inside of her car each morning for ten years.
don’t wanna end this year on bad terms with anyone so if you have beef with me, die
Shout out to my sweatpants for loving me through thick and thicker.
*interrupts your baby’s first words*
“IF A PANDA WEARS A HANDKERCHIEF IT’S CALLED A PANDANA.”