@TheHyyyype

dolphin trainer: dolphins are really smart

me [to dolphin]: do my taxes

dolphin trainer: and honest

me: on second thought

You Might Also Like

@MamaFlores

5yo slooowly walks by: “Hi, mom and dad.”

4yo slooowly walks by: “Hi, mom and dad.”

CODE RED CODE RED

@ExcuseMyTweets

The door is closed? I want in. The door is open? I want out. Actually I just want to sit in the door frame itself. – Pets

@pro_worrier_

Me: What are you doing sweet girl
4yo: Making my dolls eat brains.

Help.

@JediGigi

Me: I have no friends

My bed: Wow I’m like right here

@Fred_Delicious

[Jumps into taxi]
“FOLLOW…”
[taxi driver turns around excitedly]
“…ME ON TWITTER”
[Jumps out & moonwalks into Olive garden]

@Cheeseboy22

If I wanted to drive my wife insane, I’d secretly raise a colony of bees & place one new bee inside of her car each morning for ten years.

@vladyhh

don’t wanna end this year on bad terms with anyone so if you have beef with me, die

@markydoodoo

Shout out to my sweatpants for loving me through thick and thicker.

@ibid78

*interrupts your baby’s first words*
“IF A PANDA WEARS A HANDKERCHIEF IT’S CALLED A PANDANA.”