Dolphins are cute and friendly, until you owe them money.
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If you get caught about to eat food off the floor, just pretend you lost your contact.
[ first day as a villain ]
him: hi, how are you
me: very evil, thank you
This Uber driver is the worst. I can’t roll down the windows, he keeps asking questions, the doors won’t open, and now his siren is blaring.
mmmm This chocolate speaks my language. Or it would, if it weren’t being eaten. So. I guess it’s probably horrified-screaming my language.
Made it to the level of old where I turned down a beer so it wouldn’t mess with the aftertaste of the milkshake I just had.
as if an earthquake wasn’t bad enough, i just found out michael jackson died
Pretty busy at the gym this morning. I’m 6th in line for a selfie.
They didn’t ghost you. Their spouse found out.
Don’t sweat the small stuff. Don’t sweat the medium or large stuff either. Stop perspiring on everything. Take your sweaty ass elsewhere.
I once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.
Asking the real questions!
I don’t wear a watch because my inner 3yo thinks nothing exists until I get there.
I am ‘yay my plans to go out got cancelled’ years old
dear parents,
just because your child is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. maybe they’ve stolen the declaration of independence
Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”
George Michael: I hope you like it
me: *opening gift* oh… your heart, umm… you shouldn’t have
[the very next day]
me: does anyone want this, I’m just giving it away
*Pushing the unlock button on my car key as I approach the front door to my house
Nah, I ain’t distracted.
[therapy]
DOC: A fear of clowns is not that uncommon
ME: No, a fear of clones
DOC: Oh…that seems irrational
OTHER ME: That’s what I said
Titanic (1997): a boat gets murdered by an ice cube.
I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.
Him: *down on one knee*
Will you marry me?Me: Nah, I’m good, but…
(puts up hand up to high five) thanks for asking!
Went on a family vacation and 80% of the pics are my 11yo looking like her dog just died
If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.
when im eating a salad and some leaf stems are sticking out of my mouth i feel like a brontosaurus
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
*eats half a banana then stubs the bit that’s left in an ashtray*
Boy. A zombie outbreak sure could get a solid foothold on a day like today, with all this tomfoolery and whatnot. Be safe out there, guys.
Cats don’t tell police where your drugs are.
I’m going to open a food truck that sells chicken sandwiches. Park it next to Chick-fil-A and open it only on Sundays
It will be called Side Chick.
Flight attendant: Is there a Dr. on this flight?
Dad: that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Maybe you can flippy Mctwisty him back to health
Me: Dad, there’s an emergency
Dad: use your “always special” cheat code
Me: But we’re in first class and I paid for our flight