Dolphins are cute and friendly, until you owe them money.
You Might Also Like
When your baby cries, don’t feed it. That’s just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.
No Google it does not
Puts cardboard cutout of myself at my desk a week ago*
Receives check*
Dang I just got a raise
boss: you’re late
me: sorry I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour
boss: did it work
me: no, I think I need better shoes
There’s a book called “Why Women have sex” by Cindy Meston. The author also wrote”Why Men have sex” but I’m guessing thats just a pamphlet.
women dont read this…
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
…ok, guys, theyre hiding a product called “dry shampoo” from us
Our ‘thoughts and prayers’ go out to all the vegans and innocent cabbages everywhere.
[bug school]
TEACHER: okay class, who knows the first 2 letters of the alphabet
A BEE: *proudly raises hand*
I used to laugh at my neighbour for getting the gender of his dog wrong for years until my cat laid an egg and now I suspect it’s a penguin.
[trying to ride a horse]
ME: oh shit how do i slow down?!
GUY OUTSIDE THE SUPERMARKET: this is for children
The government be like “please throw your grandma into an active volcano, the economy demands a sacrifice”
Men’s underwear should be called “manhole covers”
Me: Look pal, I’m not some princess that needs to be rescued, ok?
Bagger: Ma’am, we help everyone with their groceries.
Me: Fine! One date.
My son asked me what it’s like to be a parent so I woke him up at 3 a.m. to let him know that I couldn’t sleep.
robbed a bank just to hear someone call me a person of interest
Before they built this Trader Joe’s, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other’s way
When you go to therapy they should get to ask three people in your life what your problem is before you start.
Ordering surgeries off the secret menu at the doctor’s office.
My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win I guess.
It’s 10:25pm and one of my kids just came downstairs and asked what’s for dinner.
I guess I need to start doing head counts from now on.
Bringing a carrot-and-raisin salad to a potluck is a subtle way to let people know you hate them.
can y’all stop breaking each others hearts, the gym is getting too packed
church choir: faatherr, sonn, aand hoolyy g-
[the ghostbusters barge in]
church choir, nervously: -oooats
[ghostbusters slowly back out]
ME: Sometimes I feel like I’m in a bad tweet
NARRATOR: And he was
ME: I see you
NARRATOR: He could see me
ME: Stop
NARRATOR: I did not stop
My son said, “If you had to lose one sense, what would it be?” Without missing a beat, my daughter said taste. Which would have been fine had we not been eating the dinner that I made.
me: you know what, make it a double
proctologist: what?
Preschool Registration form: What’s one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.
You’d think Kate Middleton would have people to hide for her.
chiropractor cracked my back and now im glowing
I just learned that dentists can actually smell your fear.
I only wish that I weren’t learning this from the dentist who’s lurking outside my window