Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Phones down.

Looking for my glasses that my 5yo hid, but not having much success because I CAN’T FIND MY GLASSES.

Can makeup companies just admit that they’ve run out of words to market mascara? Lashblast full effect endless wonder lengthening spider scandal volumizing ultra curved stiletto black fantasy mega-colossal stiletto stapler gondola tractor zoo crime salad steamboat tick chart

Them crunching noisily: These cookies you made are huge!

Me: those are chocolate chip pancakes

My kids each place a toy on the checkout counter and hand the cashier a few plastic gold coins from home. The cashier smiles, I give a wink. She gets on the speaker: “Security, register 4.” They are cuffed & arrested for using counterfeit money. Time to learn about consequences.

I’m too young to always make noises when I bend down to pick something up off the ground

“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”

My wife said “Sometimes you can be so lazy,” and then she walked out of the room.

I looked at our dog and said “Go find out which one of us she’s talking about.”

Are they honking at me because I’m cute or because I can’t drive?

We’re about two years from funerals starting and ending with, “don’t forget to like, share and subscribe.”

pretty messed up how “what are you weaknesses” is an acceptable question in job interviews but not on first dates

Me: So I’ll see you Friday?

Friend: I can’t wait!

Me: FINE THEN FORGET IT

Me: I’m meal planning. Is candy corn allowed on keto?

Keto: Please leave our cult.

I saw a product for cars today called “Rapid Odor Removal,” and everyone who buys it should be put on an FBI watchlist.

It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while to get excited about going home.

Those are good neighbors.

I keep a table cloth napkin and goggles under my bed in case someone beaks in and want to have a pie eating contest.

Me: That Febreze smells like Fireball.

Wife: Yeah, non-alcoholics call that cinnamon.

Those 3 little letters that mean so much: PTO

The perfect Christmas lights display doesn’t exi……..

Finding Nemo 3:

Nemo’s mom isn’t dead.

Nemo’s dad kidnapped Nemo to avoid a custody dispute.

Nemo’s mom finds them.

It’s a revenge tale.

[putting on wedding dress]

me: I feel like I’m making a big mistake

maid of honor: yes the bride should be wearing that

The shittier a bank’s website is, the safer your money is. Clean and easy to use web portal? You’re being scammed. Barely functioning console log looking windows 95 ass flash page? Sleep easy at night.

*walks in house wearing a large neck brace*
oh no, what happened?
“my earbud cord got caught on a chair while I was walking”

this got me crying😭😭

I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I’m in.

[parent-teacher conference]

teacher: he’s doing so well, and he’s such a great listen-

me: coolcoolcool no doubt but when do you teach them to stop turning on every light in the house, is that this year or

Me: [every single day for 18 months]
da da…say da da. Can you say dada? Say da daaa…daaaa da

Daughter:

Me: shit

Daughter: shit

I was offered a free apron once, but there were strings attached

WIFE: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas.

ME: {drinking toast} Why?