Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The bear sleeping bag is completely awesome.

Me, a hamster who is watching my figure, holding my babies:
“Omg someone please take these away from me before I eat all of them!!!!”

My neck of the woods. My leg of the desert. My bellybutton of the meadow.

[first day as a waiter]

me: do you have any questions

customer: *pointing at menu* how is this prepared

me: we laminate sheets of paper listing the food choices

my wife came home from church and caught me and Gary trying her jeans on again .

Someone at the grocery store yelled “space” dramatically, and I responded with “the final frontier,’ and now I need a new grocery store.

Someone: wanna hear something interesting?

Anxiety: for the love of God say no SAY NO

Me: sure

Anxiety: you brought this on yourself

Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.

Imagining the Matrix pill scene if Neo bent down and ate the red pill directly out of Morpheus’ hand like a petting zoo goat and Morpheus completely froze weirded out

I’m pretty confident I can perform this Appendectomy on myself.

Thanks YouTube

*at party*

Guy: Want to dance?

Me: I’m sorry but I cannot, in good conscience, leave this cheese ball unattended.

My solution to everything is fire. How do I get out this stain? Fire. How do you fix a car? Fire. How do you break up with someone? FIRE!

Radio: “…it’s a climate of fear…”

Outside: [*raining clowns*]

My daughter was disappointed with dinner last night and said, “At least this is better than pasta.” Which is a real shame because we’re having pasta for dinner tonight.

opening and closing my bank account like I do the fridge hoping things will improve

Couples therapist: so what’s the main issue

Henry VIII: she doesn’t support my goals

Therapist: for example?

Henry VIII: well I just want to kill her and marry someone else, I mean why is she like this

Week three of my new job, they’re all cunts.

There’s a weekly team call at 9am every Monday, what’s wrong with these people???

It’s not easy sitting around all day doing nothing. It’s hard to know whether or not you’re done.

As a fan of Dirty Dancing I can only hope that when we go on holiday one of my daughters sleeps with a middle aged dance instructor.

Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.

7: Mom! Will you play Uno with me?? I already have it set up and I definitely didn’t look at the cards before!

Me: Well I’m convinced.

To accommodate the size of my wife’s new water bottle we’ve replaced the passenger seat of her car with a cupholder

I love Bounty but even I think this is cursed

WIFE: stop quoting Britney Spears songs or I’ll leave you
ME: but I’m a slave 4 u
WIFE: that’s it
ME: (whispers) oops I did it again

I wonder if Barbers got into the business to just sweep hair

A fancy juice bar shut down near my house, and I am terrified of what the next level of gentrification might be. A gastropub/crossbow range? A CBD eye drop salon? A private club for dogs who don’t believe in vaccines?

Stop looking for the perfect match.
Use a lighter.

[Planning a heist]

ME: Did you scope the place out?

PARTNER: Yes, they have two armed guards

ME: So we’re evenly matched in terms of limbs

I thought Snapchat was just a conversation with a sassy black woman.

Sometimes I think about Adam and Eve and how they couldn’t even get a babysitter.