Dolphins kill more people than sharks. The difference is that dolphins know how to hide a body.
You Might Also Like
Dear everyone THE PEEPS ARE MY BABIES please do not eat them. Take them home. Give them warmth and comfort. Allow them to nest beside your TV. Give them your passwords so they can log on to the dark web and order books about witchcraft to summon Cthulhu. Let them swim in the sink
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
I like you, but I don’t “give you a roll of my toilet paper” like you…
I didn’t say you are fat, I just said that going out with you feels like going on a double date
No, you typed your password instead of the amount in the payment window.
Don’t forget to contemplate the meaning of life while standing in the cycle lane with your car door wide open today.
This seat is reserved for pregnant people and fans of Cabaret
Social anxiety pro tip: start bringing celery and hummus to parties when you’re 25 and by the time you hit 30 you’ll be free every Saturday night forever
Husband called to me tonight, “What’re you doing in the bathroom? Kids need to get in bed.”
I will make his obituary as eloquent as I can.
I will NEVER make the same mistake twice … In a row. They’re in rotation.
*Three fingers stuck in my piggy bank
Firefighters: I’m not sure this is what they meant by stimulating the economy
The Chopped contestants open their ingredients box, each finding the head of a loved one. Two scream, the third is thinking “bourbon glaze”.
Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:
Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.
When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else
Me: I can’t come in. I got food poisoning last night.
Boss: Oh no. Did you throw up?
M: Yup
B: What did you eat?
M: 17 beers
B: …
Make good choices because ghosts are stuck with the haircut they died with.
Insomnia: she’s not going to sleep again and it’s all your fault
Coffee: she likes me strong and takes me late at night
Me: can you two stop talking about me like I’m not right here
Your password doesn’t remember you either. He moved on. He’s someone else’s password now.
Sometimes, when I think about the word ruminate, it gets embedded in my mind, and I just can’t stop thinking about it.
Dad, why do we celebrate 4th of July?
Well son, it celebrates our defeating the aliens that blew up the White House after Will Smith attac
The FBI’s security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.
I’m not feeling myself today…
…would YOU do it for me?
There is no wrong response when someone tells you they have named their pet after you.
I feel bad for the children of Vegans because no one gets found when their picture’s on the back of unsweetened organic almond milk.
I gave a co-worker my word today …
And yes, the word started with the letter ‘F’ …
Kids be so pure. My son was telling me how his friend’s dad works at Panda Express. I asked could he get us the hook up. My son said he didnt know but asked me why i didnt have a useful job for our life like that
One time I was so sad I wrote an entire Radiohead album.
Me: My computer broke
IT guy: What have you tried so far?
Me: Everything
IT guy:
Me: I shook the mouse a few times and did some swearing
Your baby’s cute. Not baby elephant cute, but still cute.
Zoom / MS Teams calls are the best places to see miracles happening.
Someone gets disconnected and everyone pronounces, ‘I think we lost her.’
Then they rejoin and say, ‘Hey, I’m back.’