“dom or sub?”
subway but dominos isn’t bad on occasion
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You know you’re getting old when you’re entering your birth year online and you need to spin that thing like you’re on wheel of fortune.
From my 12yr old: “My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application”
Spoiler alert: Doctor Strange could not become a Sorcerer Supreme until he learned to like sour cream.
“No! YOU’RE plastered!!!”
-me, drunk, walking into a wall
HOST: Make yourself at home!
ME AND MY CLONE: I prefer the lab, thanks.
Pretty sure this is the only account you need right now➡️@thefunnytweeter
If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.
I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.
Q. Why did the ghost’s dessert come back when he threw it?
A. It was a boo meringue
Not reading the replies to this
As soon as the tide comes in it’s over for you beaches.
[debate, 2020 election]
Moderator: President Trump said you will ‘hurt badly the growth’ – how do you respond?
Oprah: So perhaps everyone in American right now could…take a look under their seats
Me, at home, finding a toaster oven: holy shit
[PAPARAZZI] Bugs Bunny is it true u were shot by Elmer Fudd
[BB]°sips drink° that’s ridiculous °water shoots out of holes°
No more questions
Like a mouse stuck in a mouse trap because its desire for cheese was too great, I too am stuck in a mouse trap
the boss has a new hairpiece and i’m trying real hard not to laugh
DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE SO MANY DIFFERENT KINDS OF BIRD SEED? THERE’S REGULAR SEED AND RUSTIC SEED, VARIEGATED SEED, SUNFLOWER SEED, SAFFLOWER SEED. CANARY SEED, GOLDEN MILLET, RED MILLET, FLAXSEED, WHITE PROSO MILLET, THISTLE, SHELLED AND CRACKED CORN…….
So my wife discovered I keep writing “please help me” in the memo line of all my personal checks and now I’m not allowed to have checks.
I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason
When my burger was ready, the clerk called out “867?”
I yelled back 5309.
No one laughed.
I am old.
me at the grocery store: im going to make a mushroom risotto with herb crusted chicken and a vegetable medley!
me when i get home: crackers
TV shows project an unrealistic image, like catching a criminal in an hour or that people don’t spend most of the day in pyjamas drinking wine.
Cartoons were better when people got anvils dropped on them and accidentally smoked dynamite like cigars.
if you have a roomba but don’t dress it up in little outfits then what are you even doing
Overheard two American tourists as they walked past the chemist: “I didn’t know New Zealand had pharmacies. I didn’t even know they had medicine.”
Why do my kids have Veteran’s Day off, they haven’t done shit.
Word: Your document is auto-saved. No need to save.
Computer: *Crashes
Me: *Opens document
Word: You’re not gonna believe this…
You know you do too much online shopping when your kids start drawing pictures for the UPS man.
I heard a girl telling people that when you cook French toast, you’re supposed toast the bread first and we can’t just be letting people go around spreading this kind of hateful misinformation
Therapist: and what do we say when your coworkers start to annoy you?
Me: if I see you outside I’m going to run you over.
Therapist: what? No.
A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.