Dominicans be naughty on purpose so they can get coal from Santa for their hookahs
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I only say “I love you” to
1. Family
2. Lifelong Friends
3. Dogs that I met 3.5 seconds ago.
Managing expectations
NEW PARENTS: if your baby is still in diapers, make things simpler and safer by never having chocolate pudding in the house
Me: why does the ARMy use FOOT soldiers for HAND to HAND combat lol
Pentagon: he’s getting too close
Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks
Was today a good day? No.
BUT
Did I manage to make it through the whole day without running over my own purse with my car?
Also no.
[eraser factory]
BOSS: what makes u think ur right for the job?
ME: *hands him blank piece of paper* I think my resumé speaks for itself
My credit score is a family of raccoons hissing over a McRib.
last night in a voiceover session
me doing a line: COME!
engineer: sorry, could you do that come again, it was a little too strong
me: …
engineer: …
me: …yeah…no problem…sorry my come was too strong
Orange: Knock knock
Apple: Who’s there?
O: Orange
A: Orange who?
O: Orange you glad I didn’t say Banana?
A: Yes! That guy is the WORST!
It doesn’t make sense that there are so many poems about love, but there are no poems about hot, buttery mashed potatoes.
The first few months of a baby’s life are crucial and so it’s important that they see mom or dad playing Mario Kart.
My mom was the best mom. I hope your mom spends today thinking about what she could’ve done to get on my mom’s level.
If your baby takes the morning train and works from nine to five, and then takes another home again, man, that is one self-sufficient infant.
request for a new client, your honor, i think this one’s guilty
[on a date]
Her: I love music
Me: *casually pulls guitar from underneath the table* Oh wow, where did this come from?
God: ok u can make one human that’s it
Satan: how do u feel about toupees & the name Donald
Still a great one lol. #tailsofjoy
“Would you rather be right or—“
YES
hot girls be like I know a place and it’s this
The collective noun for bison is herd, unless they are on tiptoes, in which case they are unherd.
When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”
Watching a movie on the plane? No thanks. Watching my seatmate’s movie with no audio and not understanding what’s going on for over an hour? Yassss.
‘Sorry officer but how was I to know that weird noise my car was making was a bicycle stuck in my mudflap?’
Just because I reported several women to HR for not washing their hands after using the rest room doesn’t mean the camera they found is mine
This toilet won’t flush!!
Cop: “Sir, will you please step out of the phone booth”
Cop: “We’ll catch the guy who murdered your husband.”
Tina: “My husband was murdered?!”
Cop: “Shit! Sorry… I have some bad news…”
Hubs: You’re home all day, why isn’t the house clean?
Me: You’re at work all day, why aren’t we rich?
Hubs: Touché
The Murphy bed mishap was as hilarious as it was fatal.