Dominicans be naughty on purpose so they can get coal from Santa for their hookahs
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Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.
An M&M.
In half.
My grandpa went broke like 6 times trying stupid get rich quick schemes and played tennis like 5 days a week never got good and then when he died we found a bunch of sex picture that he was taking with my grandma so I’m not sure that generation was much different tbh
If a tree falls in the woods and there is no one to hear it, he still tries to play it off like he meant it so the other trees don’t laugh.
it’s called boxing because smash mouth was taken
My teen son told me that he plans on talking like Chewbacca if a teacher calls on him today, so I guess I better start practicing my Wookiee for that parent teacher phone call later today.
“I’m going to make a great mother one day” I whisper to myself as I catch my burrito mid-fall and only a single bean spills out
* Dentist is singing along to a Maroon 5 song as he’s drilling in my mouth.
Me: (holds up finger to pause)
Can you turn that up?Dentist: The music?
Me: No. The drill.
Dentist:
Are you actually cleaning the house if you haven’t shouted at everyone in it?
Me: Please take my kids for a little bit
School: lol snow
elbows are not enough. we need a pasta for each and every body part
When a guy on a date says “how are you still single” apparently you’re not supposed to tell him
My former boss’s wife posted a photo of their youngest child on Facebook and I commented, “you’re right, he does look just like me!”
And now we wait…
Just once I would like to hear an athlete thank God for their talent and their pharmacist for everything God left out.
The old lady ringing me up at the store got frustrated w/ the barcode on my cheese not working so she just gave it to me for free…she is now sole beneficiary of my Will
Just took a bite out of a rotisserie chicken like I was bobbing for apples
In my 20’s: why is eating healthy such a big deal anyways.
In my 40’s: oh.
DRUG DEALER: whatya want?
ME: *takes his hand in mine* what do YOU want?
DRUG DEALER: *tearing up* no one ever asks me that
“I never trust anything from the government!”
*uses highways
Whenever you introduce someone, put air quotes around their name.
I want you to meet my friend “Ami”
There’s so many streaming services and shows I just make shit up to recommend to my friends. You gotta watch Red Water on Home Depot Plus. It’s incredible. They just go “yeah I’ll check that out” like we all do when we know we won’t.
If necessary, pouring pickle juice into the coffee maker makes a house uninviting to 99% of house guests.
And on the 8th day, God almost created Lionel Richie but was all like “Naw, I’ll just hold off a few thousand years then one day HELLO!”
People can be dangerous when they have too much power. Giving my 5yo a balloon sword is a perfect example of this.
Superman finally decides, after realizing an entire city of people is duped by a pair of glasses, that Metropolis really isn’t worth saving.
[Preens and poses in front of security camera]
*Shoplifts makeup and diet products*
Security Guard: Let her have it.
me: thanks for letting me work from home
boss: *turns off shower* I meant your home
This whiskey tastes like my neighbours will be listening to Metallica.
If you like the song “Red Red Wine” then U B 40.
Deleted duck from my autocorrect so it no longer keeps ducking changing my favourite ducking swear word.