Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Penguins walking in 5x speed

does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x

Single worst piece of software ever invented

Life in your 40’s:

Friend: Come on…have a drink with me, it’s Saturday night!

Me: No thanks, I have to work Tuesday.

Today’s meltdown is brought to you because when your kid asked for a “plain pb&j,” what they actually wanted was a pb&j in the shape of a plane

Nothing flies faster than the ketchup out of the bottle when you only want a little.

Sometimes, I feel like everything is garbage & I get overwhelmed but then I imagine how I’d feel if I was a raccoon and suddenly, being surrounded by garbage isn’t so bad. In fact, by raccoon standards, being surrounded by garbage is actually great. Life is about perspective.

I’m available to be MC for your wedding. I have a joke about Canadian couples saying “sorry” a lot that I think will go over really well.

A hand grenade to a daycare? RT @McDonalds: #ShamrockShake is to spring as _____ is to _______.

absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions.

[playground]
Woman: which one is yours?
My wife: over there [points to team of firefighters cutting me from a tire swing]

Glass caskets: will they become popular?

Remains to be seen.

Make sure to wash your hands before AND after you eat the rich

my right thumb literally just snarled at my other nine fingers and said, “you have no idea how much more work i do than any of you spoiled brats”

My husband brought home a 55 gallon drum from work and I’ve never felt more insulted. I could fit in smaller.

Psychiatrist: “Maybe you should be seeing a therapist.”

Me: “You sure like spending my money, don’t you?”

the abolition of the 140 character limit and the advent of threads are responsible for the current state of this website. turned what was mostly cute little quips into constant insufferable bloviating posts like this one

me (tenting fingers): how can we make this deal work

cashier: you give me $7.48

me (sliding him a $20 bill): how about now?

cashier: $7.48 out of $20, $12.52 is your change. have a nice day

me (smirking): everybody wins

Mid-flight turbulence is just god’s way of preforming confessions at scale

I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at the floor and think, “I’d tap that.”

Relationships are like houseplants, if they’re mine they die

If you send me a work memo on the weekend I respond with Linkin Park lyrics.

Don’t let anyone tell you who you are unless you’re concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.

“Did you get a haircut?”
“No, I dyed the tips of my hair invisible…”

horses don’t know when they’re acting in a period drama. they just woke up one day and all their friends showed up in stupid outfits.

“SOME OF US ARE TRYING TO SLEEP” I yell at the neighbor I can hear vacuuming at 1pm in the afternoon.

My Dad: So then you just like *smushing together a bird stuffed animal and a bee stuffed animal while making kissy noises*

Me: OK, got it. They’re all waiting, can I go get married now?

[boxing match]
ANNOUNCER: …and the challenger weighing 8lbs 7oz, Billy “The Baby” Sanchez
CHAMP: That’s a real baby
TRAINER: You got this

Being a little kid is so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and you just got your first paycheck from the tooth fairy. Life is good.

If Barbie and Oppenheimer has taught us anything its that there should always be two movies