Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.
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As a kid I’d watch Price is Right and think ha that sucks he won furniture. Now I’m like, wow I can really use a new bedroom set.
My kid just asked if ‘duct tape’ is short for ‘abduction tape’.
… we’re totally nailing this parenting thing.
It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.
Me: I’ll cook breakfast
Wife: Whatcha making?
M: Poached eggs on brioche with pancetta & hollandaise
W: REALLY?
M: No. One Pop Tart or two?
she wears short skirts, I get steamed up
she’s cheer captain and I’m a little teapot
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Dogs aren’t allowed in restaurants.”
Me: “He’s my service dog.”
My dog: “I’m here to fix your refrigerator.”
Steps to getting into her pants:
1) Wait for her to fall asleep
2) Take her pants off
3) Put them on yourself
4) Find a top that matches
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “A flat tire”.
According to this Fitbit, the coroner should’ve been here 10 minutes ago.
I’m that much of an introvert, I think plenty of people think I’m dead already. So I’ll just turn up to Halloween parties as myself tonight and scare the shit out of everyone.
Dog finds the fluffiest dogs in daycare, so he can nap on them.. 😊
[first date]
Me: don’t let her know you’re a lizard
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: (gets scared and loses my tail but I grow a new one)
Before you cut the sleeves off your acid wash denim jacket, read the warning label about the associated risks of dying from too much sex.
Writing a horror book called “Chores you didn’t know existed and were supposed to be doing all along“
How many times does it have to be aliens before Scully believes? How many times does it have to be a guy in a mask before Shaggy doesn’t?
Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.
One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!
You’re old you’re excited to learn how to play Mahjong
just saw the gorilla thing. what kind of thoughtless, negligent parent would raise their child in ohio
GUY WHO INVENTED THE PHOTOGRAPH: I invented the photograph!
GUY WHO HATES THE GUY WHO INVENTED PHOTOGRAPHS AND IS ABOUT TO INVENT PUZZLES: Cool can I see that?
MY GRANDMA: The doctor says I’m standard.
ME: That’s not what STD is short for Grandma.
1-year-old: *shrieks repeatedly*
Me: Why is she so loud?
Wife: That’s how she talks.
Apparently she speaks fluent pterodactyl.
Some would call it a well set out plan for the future.
The judge, however called it compelling evidence
*eye roll*
Why call it a fake stone you use to hide your spare house key outside rather than a sham rock?
Me: I’ll take this shovel. Do you carry limes
Cashier: *suspicious* Do you mean quicklime?
Me: Which one goes in rum and coke?
Cashier: Limes
Me: The other one. The dead body one
“Does this spark joy?”
[my wife shakes her head as Marie Kondo forcibly removes me from our house]
I don’t know about anyone else but the second I see a cop in my rear view mirror..I know he’s running my plates and about to pull me over for the bank heist I imagined last week..
TEEN 1: Church is so boring.
TEEN 2: It’s so out of touch.
THE YOUNG POPE approaches pulpit: “Some…BODY once told me–”
TEENS: HOLY SHIT
[the beeping to remind me to put on my seatbelt finally gives up]
*looks at driving test instructor*
“finally”
Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.
Last minute Christmas shopping at Costco in the 10 TVs or less line.