Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My brother used, as wrapping paper, the €70 wallpaper that Mum had bought to redecorate rooms. Cannot cope ahahah

First Christmas argument underway.

Dog: can i eat this?

Me: no i was just-

Dog: [swallowing] thanks

Me: the vacuum broke

Husband: that sucks

Me: no it doesn’t

😂🤣😂🤣

It’s okay to run away from the cops if you’re shy

Me: Sound the drums of war!!

My kids: *rhythmically drumming their stomachs*

*we enter the buffet*

I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.

Can you imagine being a cat and having to do this NINE times?!

Taurus: People will call you a trend setter this week when you’re bitten by a new species of snake.

Soccer is fun until you think about the ball’s feelings.

me: this haunted house is so scary

wife:

me: look at all the spooky witches

wife: we are in a house of mirrors

me: oh no they seem mad

three old people next to me at this coffee shop hanging out and catching up. one of them says “your daughter is doing well? has her ducks all in a row?” and the other says “welllll there’s a few geese in there” and all three of them laughed until they cried. gasping for air.

This Thanksgiving my 27 year old liberal nephew will be fighting my 58 year old conservative uncle at the dinner table in case Netflix wants to film that too

a crowd trying to stone me to death but i keep catching them in my pockets

The kitchen trash will be overflowing and my kids will keep stacking garbage on top like they’re playing Jenga.

Oh predictive text, how you tournament me.

It’s Open Mike Night at the autopsy lab.

“Yes, waiter, why does it say “there ain’t no rats in it” next to the lasagna?”:
Cause there ain’t no rats in it
“But why woul
AIN’T NO RATS

5: I’m bad at this puzzle

Me: you’re trying your best! Mommy has a hard time with that one too!

5: yeah, because you’re bad at it

I had a friend call to say they’re on their way over. I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough to tell them I’m not home after I told them I was home when I answered the call.

The moral of the story? Don’t answer the phone. Ever.

It’s that time of the year when you are equally sweaty 2 minutes before and after shower.

Woman on the tube: How old is your baby?
Mum: She’s two and a half weeks.
Woman: Wow. What’s her name?
Mum: Still deciding.
Little Girl nearby: My name’s Martha (pause) So you can have that for free.

You’ve got some nerve

~my dogs, to anyone who walks by our window

Don’t do anything rash
– inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading

The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.

I’d be lost without the care instructions on these pants.

Is there a way I can filter out all work emails except the ones telling me there are donuts or cake in the office?

[praying mantis home]
“Happy Mother’s Day, mom”

Aww, thank u, son

“Mom, why did Dad leave?”

[turns head away 180°]
I was hungry

Judge: And that’s how we’re determining who gets the kids in the divorce.

Edward Scissorhands: *nodding*

Kim Paperhands: No.

I know repetitive noises irritate people so I’m surprised there weren’t more rage-induced murders back when typewriters were being used