Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.

BLIND DATE TIP FOR WOMEN: Throw a fork into the wall behind ur date so he has to turn around, to make sure he doesn’t have a hidden ponytail

i’ll never forget when I was in the 3rd grade and my teacher asked us to draw our favorite season and I drew salt

I wish companies would use pictures of models looking frazzled and exhausted on their websites so I can get a real idea of what their clothes will look like on me

A safe deposit box full of whoopee cushions and rubber chickens may not appreciate in value but it may provide a much needed moment of levity during a really tense bank robbery.

It’s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.

*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!

I hear you’ve been spreading rumors all over Twitter that I’m schizophrenic.

Well three can play at that game.

things a whale might end an email with:

-i hope this email finds you whale
-best fishes
-may your days be full of peace and krill

things a whale probably wouldn’t end an email with:

-f*** y**
-you’re d*****t
-i am going to find and kill you

I’m opening an Italian restaurant for Alphas called “Testosteroni.” Who want to get in on the ground floor?

In an effort to drink more water, I started taking a sip of water every time one of my kids yells MOM. So far I’m at 7 gallons.

My youngest son can grow a beard even though his father can’t.
Score 1, for my facial hair producing genes.

50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.

BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver

The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.

Let me just slip into something a little more comfortable *comes back wearing a wizard costume*

wait, do bisexuals experience sexual attraction twice a year or once every two years

Boss: It’s Labor Day. Everyone gets the day off to celebrate all the hard work they do during the year.

Me: Is that why I’m-

Boss: That’s why you’re working.

Me? Well, I just spent 5 minutes examining a worrisome mole before it fell off because it was a junior mint .

I don’t share cheese on the first date.

My dad is helping me clean my apartment. He picked up my vr controller and asked “Do I wanna know what this is? I’m not judging”

Please send help, I’m am deceased.

[runs into old friend]

FRIEND: How are the kids?
ME: Good. Both out of the house now.
FRIEND: You feeling “empty nest syndrome?”
ME: What’s that?
FRIEND: Sad and lonely because they’re gone.
ME: *snort laughs*

If the name of a show is just some guy’s name you know its about a killer.
E.g. Dexter, Barry, Arthur

Just peed so much that a little laugh came out.

Excessive use of commas is a serious
crime which may result in a long sentence.

{Antiques Roadshow}
APPRAISER: This is from IKEA.

ME: Yes.

APPRAISER:

ME: I still have the extra screws. If that matters.

lost my job at Red Lobster for saying crabsolutely too much

Her hands were garlic breadsticks of action. Her face was a Cesar salad of expression.

Thanks for the awesome options, autocorrect

Parenthood is so weird. I don’t know why I say thank you to my 3yo every time she gives me her booger.