Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My superpower is being able to watch a movie 3 times and getting something new out of it each time (because I was scrolling twitter each time).

I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes

7-year-old: I found a penny.

Me: Good job.

7: How many more do I need for college?

I called my 2yo handsome today and he proceeded to stare at his hands for the next 5 minutes.

*in public restroom*

Mom in next stall, to toddler: No, honey. You don’t take your shoes off to go potty. You have to leave your shoes on.

Me, in my stall: *quietly puts my shoes back on*

[boss finds pics of me snowboarding]

“You missed work bc you said you were sick…& judging from these pics, YOU WERENT LYING”

*fist bump*

My dog watching me set my burrito down when I go to answer the door

interviewer: are you a good listener

TV captioner: yes

interviewer: can you type quickly and accurately

TV captioner: oh yeah

interviewer: sorry, we can not hire you

My dad, a pilot rescued on French soil, behind a hidden wall panel with 8 Jewish children as the Nazis search, quietly opens a bag of chips

My uncle (111 M) gifted me (50 M) a ring before leaving to go travelling. A close family friend (2,019 M) told me to destroy the ring due to problematic associations with the jeweller who made it, but the ring is precious to me and I would feel guilty throwing it away. AITA?

My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.

Sorry I flinched when you told me you loved me. I’ve been practicing my poker face. Can we try again?

Them: We’ve made this idiot proof

Me, an idiot: *Immediately screws it up*

*uses Oujia board*

ＳＭＥＬＬＳ ＬＩＫＥ ＵＰＤＯＧ

me: what’s updog?

ＮＯＴ ＭＵＣＨ, ＤＯＧ, ＪＵＳＴ ＡＢＯＵＴ ＴＯ ＰＯＳＳＥＳＳ ＹＯＵＲ ＣＡＴ

me: what

cat: what

[God creating chihuahuas]

“Scare that rat into an identity crisis”

8: you can’t make me go to bed. I know karate now.

Me: you don’t say…

Narrator: Daddy-Fu always beats Karate, even though the moves are mostly tickling.

Of course women need more pockets, where are we supposed to hold all of our grudges?

I never forget to eat but I do eat to forget

I love secret agent movies. You can never tell they’re hiding in plain sight because they are wearing all black and talking to themselves

Our daughter woke us up at 3am to tell us a ghost was tapping on her from under her bed. Obviously, she was having a dream but we’re going to sell the house just in case.

Boss: Isn’t your new job kind of a [stifling laughter] sideways move?
Crab: [to HR person] see this is what I’m talking about

I’m sure 4 kids fighting about who found the most eggs at 7 AM is exactly what Jesus had planned for today.

This Coke-Pepsi debate makes me laugh sometimes. It’s frigging cola. Who cares?

Says the guy who is horrified that people like Skippy peanut butter when there’s Jif.

kid: dad how do you make a bubble?

me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-

kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*

Sarcasm…

Because mocking you directly would be rude.

I’m starting yoga today and If my body isn’t perfect by noon, I’m quitting.

*on deathbed*
“Son u were *cough* ado-”
“Dad? I was adopted?!”
“A dot of misery on my otherwise happy life. I don’t know why we adopted u.”

[phone rings]
“We’ve removed your son’s missing picture from our milk cartons.”
“You found him?”
“No, people stopped buying milk.”

What idiot called him Steve Jobs instead of Mac Daddy

[puts on a song to set the mood]
date: …is this the monster mash?