domino’s pizza: eric is on the way with your order, do you have any special instructions?
me: tell him to be ready to wrestle
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My family has been giving each other the same eight gift bags since 1973.
*hits bong*
*abuses bong*
*bong calls bong protection agency*
*bong custody taken*
*bong put in foster home*
*bong misses old life*
Reasonable mental health and a good relationship with his mother? I can’t work under these conditions
colleague: do u like the clown from IT?
me: nah he never fixes my computer
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
I’m so uncomfortable with confrontation, a waiter could bring me a bowl of cold black olives instead of my meal and I would quietly eat them and tip 30%.
I used a maternity leave to grow out my bangs.
And that is why she will always be my favourite child.
what ages does the sticky crusty food particles all over the fridge door handles stop? because it’s not 13, 9 and 7.
I don’t like to sit down for bad news because I never want to ruin sitting down.
I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.
I’m two types of woman. One who is extremely hard on herself & one who can’t stop giggling because she just said hard on.
[hearing that someone has died]
oh no that guy hated dying
cat vs inanimate object
The only hot singles in my area are in my wallet
[Watching the sunset over Paris]
BF: My darling *goes down on one knee*
GF: OH MY GOD!!
BF: THIS is how I proposed to my last girlfriend
Them: You want the truth?
Me: No thanks, I’m trying to cut back.
Zoom / MS Teams calls are the best places to see miracles happening.
Someone gets disconnected and everyone pronounces, ‘I think we lost her.’
Then they rejoin and say, ‘Hey, I’m back.’
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but it’s time to throw out that tater salad from Thanksgiving
Bank robber: everyone get down now!
me *starts dancing frantically*
I always double-check our garage door is closed at night. I don’t want someone stealing all the stuff we’ve been trying to get rid of for years.
Fly restaurant:
Waiter, there’s a man in my soup
I’m bisexual, but I don’t currently have a boyfriend or a girlfriend.
You could say I’m on stand-bi.
Magician: For my next trick—
Me: BRING BACK THE BUNNY, YOU MONSTER
Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies
If you can’t tell the difference between “erotic” & “exotic” then zoo keeping is definitely not for you.
You need sex.
I need sex.
She needs sex.
I have an idea…
My child said she wanted to be like me so she put my glasses on top of her head and walked around saying “where are my glasses?!” I feel attacked