DOMINO’S PIZZA TRACKER UPDATES:
– At 5:30pm, Ronny left our store with your pizza and $350 in stolen cash
– At 5:42pm, Ronny was last seen heading eastbound of HWY 94, high AF on meth
– At 6:02pm, Ronny got naked and ate your pizza while exchanging gunfire with police. Sorry
Sponch
“Describe your last relationship.”
Tired: like two ships passing in the night.
Wired: like a container ship stuck in the Suez Canal that won’t move ahead but also won’t let anyone else by.
[traffic jam]
MAN: [rolls down window] Dude, why?
ME: [in the next car holding a rabbit as it repeatedly kicks the horn] It’s his birthday
[my first day as a bank teller]
guy comes up to window: i’m here to make a withdrawal
me: i’ll need to see some ID sir
guy [pulls out gun]: here’s my ID
me: umm, sir, that’s not ID. that’s a gun [turning to coworker] is this guy an idiot?
guy: no, i’m saying, this is a robbery
me: no, sir. this is a bank [turning to coworker] is this dude for real?
Caller: Emergency Sevices? I’m on fire.
Me: That’s great, keep up the good work.
FYI: hey my wife came home in a terrible mood and I figured I’d read her one of my tweets to cheer her up, turns out that’s a bad idea guys
Highway to Hell is my favorite wedding song.
google logo keeps changing its appearance because it killed a man in Tampa in 1999 and has to stay ahead of the law
Bartender: What can I get you, gorgeous?
Me: The blood of all my enemies.
Bartender:
Me:
Bartender:
Me: Miller Light
Me: Hope it’s ok if I sleep in the nude
Guy next to me on the plane: WTF dude?
My 5/o just said “That’s Classic!!” WTF is classic to a 5 y/o? Blues Clues??
I created a bunch of wifi networks in case any of my neighbors are single
BOSS: in my office, we need to have a chat
ME: ok *sits down and crosses legs*
BOSS: why did you just cross my legs?
Me after TurboTax asks me to confirm I’ve reviewed all of the documents (I don’t understand anything)
I bought a toilet seat from Amazon and now they keep sending me emails asking if I’m interested in buying a toilet seat like I’ve got like 20 toilets in the mansion I don’t live in.
[hunting]
DAD: dont scare him
ME: did u know we dump 16 tons of sewage into our waters every minute
DEER: holy shit
DAD: what did i just say
7: is it tomorrow yet?
Me: nope, it’s still today.
7: aww
[Googling]
How many calories in a glass of white wine?
*45 minutes later*
[Googling]
How many calories in a bottle of white wine?
why in the hell am i in my kitchen right now letting this casserole win?
some of you take your Halloween decorations seriously, and IT shows
Me: Head shoulders knees & toes
Doctor: ok no problem
Me: eyes ears mouth & nose
Doctor: that’s a different guy
me: this is my cousin, carlos
wife: nice to meet you
carlos: *kissing her hand* mucho gusto
me: *whispering in her ear* that means a lot of wind
[interrupts Pink Floyd]
“Actually, it’s AN education”
3:
[in bedroom]
*refuses to pick up toys*
[at playground]
*picks up three cigarette butts, a band-aid, and half a dead bird*
“Are you still watching?”
Yes, Netflix. I didn’t magically get my shit together in the last three hours.
I bought my husband of 21 years a sweatshirt and I stole it from him and that’s how we keep our marriage fresh
Ladies, he’s not working late. He’s trying to steal the declaration of independence. Stay woke
The 3yo insisted on helping me put all the laundry away. It’s only taken us 6 hours & 10 minutes & apparently pants go in the fridge now.
