DOMINO’S PIZZA TRACKER UPDATES:
– At 5:30pm, Ronny left our store with your pizza and $350 in stolen cash
– At 5:42pm, Ronny was last seen heading eastbound of HWY 94, high AF on meth
– At 6:02pm, Ronny got naked and ate your pizza while exchanging gunfire with police. Sorry
SHAGGY: what did the vet say you have
SCOOBY DOO: rabies
SHAGGY: zoinks i didn’t even know you could get pregnant
Apple has the “Tomorrow is a federal holiday. Do you want to turn your morning alarm off?” feature, and it is 10/10.
What I need now is the “You turned off your recurring morning alarm for today’s federal holiday. Do you want to turn it back on?” prompt.
*typing “eight spiders” into my calorie app*
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
I just want there to be food without me having to cook or clean or pay. Is that really too much to ask?
Me:You have your good days. You have your bad days.
Wife: WHERE ARE THE CHILDREN?!
Homeless guy at the car wash just said I have beautiful eyes….So don’t play wit me
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
I just got unfollowed by a woman that just started following me yesterday, so I guess I just had my first one night stand on twitter.
I want a Viking funeral when I die…complete with sticks, marshmallows and chocolate for the attendees.
What? I’m sure that’s traditional.
Her: If someone gave you five dollars would y-
Me: Yes.
What doesn’t kill you, forces me to reload.
I’m at a Metallica concert, and the woman beside me just used her phone to google “Metallica.”
“Swimming is dangerous, so I wear floaties on my arms for safety!”
[cut to me floating face-down in a pool with only my arms above water]
totally get it, nature valley bar, i also pretend to be healthy and then crumble under the slightest pressure
My sarcasm will 100% get me killed one day. Someone could hold a knife to my throat and i’d probably say “what are you gonna do, stab me?”
When the doctor asks you ‘How are you feeling today?’ sexy is not an appropriate answer apparently.
We’re going to run out of sausage if no one ever wants to know how it’s made
With everyone here having multiple personalities, you’d think we’d collectively get more done.
I thought about giving up my sexual innuendo tweets but it’s too hard.
Making homemade peanut butter isn’t as hard as people make it out to be if you just pre-chew the peanuts first.
For more helpful cooking tips follow my blog “Tell Me She didn’t Really Just Do That”.
I hate when people say “Bite me” and then act all surprised…..
They don’t tell you that it is perfectly legal to swim out into the ocean, grab whatever fish you can, & eat it on the way back
It’s like the people who drive Smart cars don’t even realize that other cars are an option.
Did you hear about the latest James Bond movie where he procrastinates about coloring his hair?
It’s called Dye Another Day
Hey, I’m human. If you cut me do I not bleed? If you cut me a slice of pizza do I not eat?
[Cretaceous Period]
T-REX: *eating pterodactyl, sad* I just wish it were meatier…
DRUNK GUARDIAN ANGEL: A meteor? Tha’s weird but ok 1 sec
Some of my friends have really unattractive children and I don’t say a word I just carry this heavy cross
*phone rings*
Wife: “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me (a dad): “Hello. Yes my wife is here. Hey, Not In. It’s for you.”
Wife: “….”
I ain’t cray-cray, I’m inappro-pro.
