Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Before company arrives we like to clean our house so there’s no evidence that we live like circus monkeys the other 364 days of the year!

WIFE: *filing for divorce*
ME: Are you mad at me?

Whoever said “time heals all wounds” deserves a swift kick in the teeth.

Delighted to report that we have a 100% safety record so far this yea… never mind.

I did laundry for 7 miles according to my Fitbit that I accidentally washed and dried.

if i say “morning!” to you it does not mean “good morning” i am merely exclaiming in horror that it is morning

[first date]

Her: Are you wearing a wire?

Me: *realizing I forgot to take the hanger out of my shirt before putting it on*

I enjoy long walks away from the scene of the crime.

I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.

The spouse with the most blanket in the morning is the undercover boss.

Me: I don’t want to dwell on that.

My brain: OK, let’s put a pin in it and circle back later. Is 3 a.m. good for you?

Is there any rejection more humiliating than when you try to tickle someone and it doesn’t work

ME: *walks in with ball rammed into my mouth* Happeh nuh?

JUDGE: Not what a gagging order means! Are you sure you want to defend yourself?

They bad news is my teenager is running a fever; the good news is he’s still feeling well enough to make “yo mama” jokes.

I’m just your average mom, trying to convince my kids that 4:45pm is indeed their bedtime, because I’ve had enough of their shit for one day

GOD: i’m going to tell you the name by which you may call me throughout all generations

MOSES: no way

GOD: yahweh

MOSES: ok so what is it

my gf told me she slept with 5 different women in college and said she “experimented” girl that’s not experimenting you did peer reviewed research

I want a sandwich in the streets and a sandwich in the sheets.

Sorry but they’re not fajitas unless they come from the fajita region of the restaurant

ME: my car makes weird whispering noises…also the doors lock by themselves & blood comes out the CD player
MECHANIC: must be the spark plugs

I’m starting to think aliens are avoiding us.

I’m one salad away from identifying as a rabbit

My biggest fear is dying in a car accident that doesn’t destroy my phone

*rearranges underwear drawer*

Neighbor: the party’s downstairs. Please get out of my room

Why would anyone ever jump OUT of a cake?

[answering my shoe like a phone] hold on i can’t hear you let me put you on sneaker

Stop and smell the roses. Hug the roses. Procreate with the roses. Have little rose babies.

My unemployed friends on a Wednesday at 1:30pm

My 16 yr old has a mandatory sophomore Catholic school retreat that lasts 24 hours. No phones allowed. His argument against going, “I just can’t.”
Me, “It’s tradition. Even I did it. All your siblings did it. Nothing can stop it. Absolutely nothing. Period.”

Coronavirus: LOL.