Dominos sent me an email while I was in the frozen pizza section. Trust issues much? I’ll call you later, relax.
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In a parallel universe a group of mystery solving sasquatch teens are unmasking The Velma that’s been chasing them all night.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Sorry man, I wasn’t trying to kiss you. You just had melted cheese stuck in your beard and I couldn’t help myself
The fact that the Oscars doesn’t have a host doesn’t bode well for Parasite.
We have a lot of famous Chrises;
Hemsworth, Evans, Pratt, Pine, and the infamous -tal Meth
im VERY laid back. i only care about 2 things:
every person on earth & their opinion of me
the crushing psychological weight of being alive
8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening
Me: you will inherit everything I own
[terrible nursing home]
Old guy: How did you end up here?
Elderly me: I made my kids steak instead of hot dogs.
Him: *gasps* You monster.
I never finish what I start. I have a black belt in partial arts.
I like to play my cello on the beach, but I only know 2 notes and for some reason it freaks everyone out.
If you cut your goat in half you’ll have two goats, that’s just simple math.
Keep hiring mermaids, but they don’t clean worth a damn, the place always smells like fish, and they leave scales everywhere.
You think you found a parking spot and then boom. Kia damn Soul.
Got my daughter a one-dollar gift card to the Dollar Store and told her to get whatever she wants.
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
Emperor: How are my elite troops doing on Endor?
Vader: They were all viciously murdered by teddy bears.
Emperor: That sounds plausible.
Due to personal reasons I will be saying “aye” and “arggg” instead of yes and no from now on. Please respect my piracy during this difficult time.
So after 75 long days, this week is finally over
My son told his sister she’d never fit in the trunk and she said she’d prove it and I know I’m supposed to say something as the adult but aren’t some lessons better learned the hard way?
[The Twitter Breakdown of 2015]
Angry mobs storm the streets, forcing clever wordplay down the throats of unsuspecting, innocent bystanders
[during home renovation]
My spouse, screaming: There’s a dead body in the walls!
Me: What a relief, I was afraid you found mold.
Her: I thought you said you were ordering spicy food.
Me, choking on 14 churros: CINNAMON’S A SPICE
You’ve reached voicemail of [Jim], leave a message.
“Hi it’s the library. The book ‘How to Steal Library Books’ is now 1 week over…UH OH”
“Just circling back on this.”
“Take another lap.”
How to use a credit card machine:
1. Insert card.
2. Don’t remove it yet.
3. Nope, still not yet.
4. Yeah, not yet either.
5. REMOVE CARD NOW! OH MY GOD DON’T MAKE ME KEEP BEEPING AT YOU LIKE A BOMB IS ABOUT TO GO OFF!
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
Ordering surgeries off the secret menu at the doctor’s office.
If snot was currency we’d all end up paying through the nose.
My memory is pretty bad until I’m pissed off, and then you are in for quite the surprise.